HOW TO HELP A FRIEND FACING INFERTILITY
Like miscarriage and abortion, infertility is a subject that has recently come out of the shadows. Women are speaking about the deep pain they feel at not being able to conceive, while movies such as Private Life, starring Kathryn Hahn, and books like Julia Leigh’s Avalanche have chronicled what it means to be a victim of the uncertainty of biology.
Yet for all our increased understanding, many of us still struggle with how to talk to our friends who face childlessness. That’s why I valued writer Elizabeth Holmes’ recent article on outlining how friends can help and what to say.
Having put out questions on her Instagram account,
Elizabeth offered a list of tips in a recent article for A Cup of Jo.
She suggested letting your friend know you’re there, and checking in on a semi-regular basis with simple texts saying, “I’m thinking of you,” or, “How are you feeling today?”
Crucially, she pointed out that most women just want to be heard, so it was important to listen and, if necessary, mirror the tone of the conversation – whether it was angry or sad. As Elizabeth says: “If she gets super technical, ask her to explain; if she just wants to cry, let her cry, And try not to be turned off by the intensity of her response. Let her vent in a judgement-free zone.”
Remembering dates that matter and offering distractions such as a movie or manicure also help, she says.
With celebrities such as Chrissy Teigen and
Kim Kardashian sharing stories of their difficulty conceiving, the taboo around these subjects is slowly reducing. But Elizabeth outlines that some people still come out with inconsiderate and thoughtless comments.
She counsels friends against offering medical advice, saying you understand or sharing stories of others’ success with fertility treatment. Making comments such as “just relax” or “it’ll happen when you least expect it” were also unwelcome.
She also advised against bringing up infertility in a public setting or avoiding the topic altogether.
“IF YOU CAN JUST HAVE FAITH IN WHO THEY ARE AS PEOPLE, IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU START TO SEE IT COME OUT. ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS HAD WRITTEN MY PARENTS A LETTER BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN AWAY, AND SHE JUST WANTED THEM TO HAVE A LETTER WHEN THEY GOT HOME. IT’S MOMENTS LIKE THAT WHEN YOU THINK, ‘OH, YOU’RE KIND’.”