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COPING WITH YOUR PARTNER’S PROSTATE CANCER
Igot the results. I have prostate cancer.” It’s the text message no woman wants to receive from their partner.
But those were the very words that popped up on Katrina Gilruth’s screen while she was at work in August 2020, just one year into her long-distance relationship with Ross.
“I’m the kind of person who thinks a lot and you can’t help but think the worst could happen,” she recalls.
“I got upset for him, and myself. I thought, ‘Why him? Why so early in our relationship?’”
Soon after, Katrina, 42, moved from Sydney to Canberra where she was able to work remotely and support Ross while he underwent a radical prostatectomy. While successful in removing the cancer, the treatment has left Ross, 57, with incontinence and intimacy challenges.
“We were thrown into this so quickly and [I knew the] surgery would change [intimacy] for the rest of our lives,” Katrina says.
While Katrina took some comfort in the fact 95 per cent of prostate cancer patients survive at least five years after their diagnosis, she says every check-up reignites fears of a worstcase scenario.
“You hold the feelings in and try to be strong for him,” she says.
But Katrina isn’t alone in her story; behind many of the 24,000 men diagnosed with prostate cancer each year in Australia stands a loving partner who is often as rocked by the diagnosis and treatment as the patient themselves.
So, how can you look after yourself if you find your relationship navigating the daunting world of a prostate cancer diagnosis?
LISTEN UP
As much as you might want to pour your feelings out to your partner, Prostate Cancer Foundation of Australia psychologist Tracey Gardner says some men can struggle talking about personal matters.
“Women often like to talk things through, that’s how we cope, whereas men often have an internal processing style of coping, preferring to nut things out for themselves,” she says.
She suggests asking if your partner wants to talk and understanding if they need to silently process the news initially.
“Let him know that you’re here to talk when he’s ready, providing opportunities for
him to talk things over if he’s open to it, and taking things slowly. It’s important to also respect your partner’s preferred style of coping,” she suggests.
Sometimes, turning to friends, extended family or a psychologist who understands the impact of cancer can help women process their experiences.
“The focus is often all on the person with the cancer, but it’s important that partners can talk it through with someone, especially if their partner is an internal processor,” Tracey says.
“It’s important to acknowledge that there are many losses for both parties following the treatment for prostate cancer, including sexual dysfunction and incontinence, as well as fears around mortality, financial security and fears for your future health and lifestyle.”
KEEP HEALTHY
It might be tempting to stop all activities to put your energy into supporting your partner, but Tracey suggests putting your trust in the health team and continuing to make time for yourself.
“Women are well known for putting our own needs last but remember the oxygen mask analogy; we need to fit your own oxygen mask in a plane so we can best help others,” she says.
“It’s important to keep up our own appointments with self-care, including social connection and relaxation.”
BREAK IT DOWN
The word “cancer” can make us assume the worst, but Tracey advises it’s far more valuable to take things one day at a time.
“Our brains are wired to immediately jump to the future worst-case scenario; that’s helpful if you’ve been told there’s a big brown snake at the back door because your brain will jump to worst case and stop you from stepping out unaware. But with cancer, the actual threat past the initial treatment is often imagined and not always reality,” she says.
“It’s important to focus on the present and what the next step is, rather than getting ahead of the plan.”