RIMWORLD: ROYALTY

DEVELOPER Ludeon Studios PRICE $28.95 RELEASE Out now.

ONLINE https://store.steampowered.com/app/ 1149640/RimWorld__ Royalty/

As you may recall, at the end of the last collection, I was neck deep in spiders, thanks to one of Rimworld Royalty’s many hilarious, new quests, involving a greedy pawn and his penchant for jelly. The expansion had arrived like appetising raiders to a hungry ice sheet (I devoured this tasty surprise). My chief concern, after dispatching the spiders, was how to stay alive long enough to appreciate the new content, so I did something I would never usually do; switch to a Peaceful Phoebe Chillax, the base-building game master, from Cassandra on Rough.

I made this decision after a second mechanoid cluster wiped out the entire supportive contingent from the Exodus Empire (whereas last time, I only lost one), a friendly caravan (of about twelve) and two of my own pawns. Had I been preparing badly? Maybe. But, do you remember the posh woman (being chased by a snow hare) who would only eat chocolate and berries? Now half my damn colony is that picky. I have one baron, two knights and a dame. They’re the biggest pain in the arse, with their throne rooms and golden double beds.

It’s my own fault, of course. I kept agreeing to the Empire’s (ever more complex) requests and accepting favour. I don’t know why. A (real life) need for validation that remains unfulfilled from childhood, perhaps? I even created a monument to commemorate Praetor Arcadius Kallerius’ genitals. It was thanks to that penismausoleum that my first Knight started giving boring speeches (with a social score of zero) and making everyone angry all the time. I made sure to direct favour towards the more socially adept pawns after that, let me tell you.

Still, with nary a raid in sight for the longest time, my colony babysitted a lot of foxes with haughty names, like Carolina. Why does the Empire send pets on holiday? Your guess is as good as mine. They also send prisoners who (occasional breakouts notwithstanding) get fed what they get fed and like it. By far the most aggravating visitors are royals, in groups. The higher class clearly does not get along. I’d barely prepared four lavish meals, before one visiting baron set two out of three of his (despised) underlings on fire with a plasmasword.

You see, you only get the reward if they all make it back to the shuttle alive, after twelve days, or whatever. I knew (with Phoebe) they’d be safe from raids. I hadn’t thought to protect them from each other. Otherwise, peace allowed for the building of a massive, underground base and the collection of one of every psycaster ability. It’s only a shame I never get to use them in battle. As soon as I can figure out how to get nobles to wear high-tech helmets instead of frilly hats, I’ll switch back to a more aggressive game master.

Incredibly, RimWorld Royalty has changed the game from being something that I want to win to being somewhere that I want to stay. I’m as surprised by this as you are. My colonies no longer have kill boxes and mounds of corpses, rotting just outside the gates. They have drapes and harpsichords, kennels for visiting foxes. They feel almost civilised and comfortable, aside from the occasional, emergent assassination that could have come straight from Game of Thrones. And so, is it really my arrogant pawns who want larger, golder bedrooms, or is me?

They’re the biggest pain in the arse, with their throne rooms and golden double beds.