MUCH LIKE AN 18-YEAR OLD POINDEXTER WHO STILL SUCKS HIS THUMB, YOUR PLAYSTATION WAS YOUR COMFORT BLANKET.

Games are for babies, and no-one cares

The biggest problem facing games today is that a generation of chuffing adults is playing them without the slightest sense of irony. Before we begin this scripture, though, let me give you a brief introduction in case you don’t know who I am… although that in itself is a problem, because you really should.

My name is Simon ‘The Miller Report’ Miller, the sole reporter of truth daring to stomp through the games industry’s treacherous caverns and suffocate the lies of tomorrow. In short, I’m great. For years, however, I’ve been trying to make people see sense, and yet here I sit, smashing a keyboard with my powerful fists once again and I’m still no closer to my goal. But let’s start at the… start.

I know it’s hard, but use your jabroni brain for a second and try to recover some memories. How old were you when you realised you loved ‘videogames’? I’m going to guess you were a young ’un, an innocent soul who didn’t even understand how to flex your biceps. Hell, you probably didn’t even have a biceps. You had one of those weedy arms that would break if someone even looked at it the wrong way. Pathetic.

Your uninformed mind, however, was drawn to gaming. Why? Because you were a baby. Babies love bright colours, flashing lights and mushy food, and aside from the last one all your needs were met. The problem, of course, is that when you grew older you refused to let this slide. Much like an 18-year old Poindexter who still sucks his thumb, your Play Station was your comfort blanket, even though the signs were there for all to see. Let’s take the fourth Play Station as an example. Which game launched with this nonsense on release? Knack. Chuffing Knack. Some nerd in an ivory tower sat there and decided the best way to sell a new entertainment box was via something that looks like it fell out of a colouring book. The main character, for goodness sake, seems to be a jug which has triangles coming out of its face. And do you know who loves jugs and triangles? Babies… This infantilising lunacy continues, too, when we get to The Order: 1886. Over quicker than your afternoon nap – because Sony understands that a baby has a very short attention span – the game is also just one giant history lesson. You’re a grown adult with adult limbs and yet you needed a game to tell you that in 1886 London, the Knights of the Round Table battled werewolves and vampires.

That is GSCE-level stuff, you shmerel. The half-breed epidemic of the 19th century is something anyone with a face should know. You shouldn’t rely on a toy for education.

FOR THE PLAYSCHOOLERS

This gets worse as well when you run through the list. Lego: for babies. Skylanders: for babies. Killzone: Shadow Fall… you know what ‘shadow fall’ is a metaphor for? Night time. Because if no one tells you otherwise, you’ll stay up half the night.

Sony’s rival Nintendo is obviously at the root of this – Nintendo kickstarted the issue when it decided a fake man in a stupid red hat should be its poster child – but that doesn’t mean everyone else should jump on the bandwagon. Because you know who else jumps on bandwagons? Babies. They see one cry, they cry. They see one shout, they shout. They see one poop, they poop. Sony needs to stop trading excrement with Nintendo and begin to deal in a business that makes sense, like protein, or weights.

And that, friend, is case closed. The OPM lot disagree and vow to make me see sense on p109. Fat chance. You know the score; you’ve finally unlocked the truth. Like a dumb trophy…

WRITER BIO

World leader and global hero Simon ‘The Miller Report’ Miller changed the videogames industry in 2015 when he began to expose truths that had been hidden since the dawn of time. A powerful warrior, he has strong opinions and is, of course, 100%“serious.”