RESIDENT EVIL REMASTER

Don’t like it. Never tried it. Every month we force one of our team to play their most feared game

Some chuffing devil dog has just jumped through an innocuous-looking window and made me throw the controller across the room and crack my wall. What the hell is this nonsense? And why did I ever agree to put myself through such torment? I almost jumped out of my pecs.

Why am I goofing around in a terrifying mansion anyway? I’ve been told that after a bunch of murders, some Bravo Team chuffsters were sent here and then vanished, so for some nonsensical reason Alpha Team – starring me – has to go and sort this mess out. But Alpha Team’s tiny! Send the damn army, especially if we’re headed to a building where lights have seemingly been outlawed.

I do enjoy Chris Redfield, because it’s obvious he has acquainted himself with the art of lifting, but I think I’d rather actually die than try to control him again. What’s wrong with the man? He moves around like someone stuck a lemon up his ass. You think when he saw a zombie munching its way towards him he’d show an iota of intelligence, but no. He stutters around slower than a flickbook.

I find the best way to avoid any of this is to just remain in the mansion’s foyer. Literally nothing happens there. Nothing leaps out at you. The camera doesn’t deliberately obscure your view before pulling some cheap trick. There are no surprises. So I spend an hour in there trying to get used to moving Redfield and then give in. It’s too fiddly, it’s too dark, and it’s too, well, offputting. I eject my disc from my PS4 and snap it in two. I then grind it down into dust with my fist so there’s no risk of ever having to put myself through that torment again.

Oh yeah, and what the hell is an ink ribbon? What is this – 1996?

CHRIS REDFIELD MOVES AROUND LIKE SOMEONE STUCK A LEMON UP HIS ASS.

INFO PUB CAPCOM DEV CAPCOM RELEASED 2015 GET IT NOW £ 15.99, PS4 STORE WHAT? One of the most important and influential survival horror games in history, reimagined from top to bottom for the GameCube in 2002… and then ported to PlayStation 4 (finally!)...

These images prove four things: Chris Redfield works his triceps, zombies are terrifying, you can knife said zombie in the head and it won’t stop, and if the zombies don’t get you, E Coli probably will…

WHO? As a man who has literally never been scared in his life, Simon ‘The Miller Report’ Miller saw no need to ever even utter the words ‘Resident Evil’, let alone play it.