THE ELDER SCROLLS ONLINE

Don’t like it. Never tried it. Every month we force one of our team to play their most feared game

Things start badly when I realise the latest version of this MMO is The Elder Scrolls Online: Morrowind – named after the highly regarded PC game that was released about 50 years before I was born and had all the visual appeal of my great aunt’s “morning room” (sorry Auntie Nora, but you’ve had this coming).

Thankfully this outing looks better than the original Morrowind. Starting during a prison break from a bland undead hellscape, I fill my pockets with skulls while listening to premier British voice talent sigh their way through lines laced with impenetrable lore.

Combat largely revolves around tapping (and occasionally holding) i while strafing around enemies to avoid being hit. Five minutes into the game I’m joined by players from around the

AFTER FREEING MICHAEL GAMBON FROM PRISON, THE APPEAL OF THE GAME WORLD DOESN’T EXACTLY IMPROVE.

world, and fights devolve into rushing enemies as we scramble for the chance to loot ‘2 Gold’ from skeletons.

After freeing Michael Gambon from his prison and clearing the tutorial, the visual appeal of the game world doesn’t exactly improve – the next area is literally called “Bleakrock Isle.” Here, I end up having to kill a necromancer for a dragon priest. Walking into the chamber for this confrontation I’m surrounded with players doing the same. We mash him into the ground and collect our reward, only to have him reappear seconds later for the next batch coming through the door – making the encounter about as epic as an animatronics ride at a theme park.

With the quest ticked off and ready for another, the game disconnects and kicks me back to the main menu. If I’m going to get over my Elder Scrolls apathy, it’s not going to be online.

The only thing better than adventuring through Tamriel is apparently doing so surrounded by other players in the exact same clothes shouting at you in Northern accents.