SAINTS ROW THE THIRD – REMASTERED
More fun than a giant purple dildo, we hear
Penis. That got your attention. There’s nothing subtle about Saints Row The Third. It’s like cracking open Johnny Knoxville’s head and watching the sex dolls, urethra-breaking stunts, and girls going wild tumbling out into an open world comparable to Grand Theft Auto’s. You’ll be tempted by the freedom and the gang war structure, but the devil in you will stay for the sophomoric humour.
Hardly nuanced, ever, Saints Row The Third on
PS3 was a game for the gamer in all of us that just wants to create chaos. The city of Steelport is your playground and your armoury is packed with explosive guns, fast cars, and even a VTOL fighter jet. The aim is simple: to make your gang, the
Third Street Saints, the biggest in the city by taking territory off rivals and keeping the Special Tactical Anti-Gang unit (STAG) at bay.
GANG BANG
If that sounds almost sensible, don’t be fooled: for every accurately modelled tank there’s one ripped from an 8-bit-era videogame; for every dramatic mission’s end there are rewards for streaking naked and shooting enemies in the groin. The fart-in-a-jar grenade and the ‘awesome button’ – enabling you to perform extraordinary feats such as leaping through car windscreens – are just the icing on a cake that most likely has a stripper hiding inside.
This remaster isn’t changing any of this nonsense. In fact, as it contains all three expansion mission packs and more than 30 pieces of DLC from the original release to deliver more madness out of the box.
The wealth of content stretches to the visuals, as remaster developer Sperasoft has reworked over 4,000 assets from the original game, with many characters, environments, and vehicles being remodelled. New lighting and VFX simulations ensure this edition of the cult classic looks like a modern PlayStation 4 release.
With all the Jackassery on show it would be easy to dismiss this remaster, but few games offer as much freedom and depth of play. Everything is customisable, an upgrade system lets you create a unique persona, and you can change the world around you. And it’s all playable with a friend – the two-foot purple dildo is optional.
“FOR THE GAMER IN ALL OF US THAT JUST WANTS TO CREATE CHAOS.”