on your xmb
Built on poor foundations
The Great Wall A reminder that ‘Great’ can refer to size as well as quality. Still, there’s lots more to watch this month.
One of the biggest man-made constructs in human history, the Great Wall of China is over 13,000 miles long, and is said to be visible from space. Matt Damon was presumably presented with a cheque of similarly colossal size to star in this hopeless, CGI-saturated snore-fest about the soldiers who defend China from an invading army of psychic lizard monsters lurking beyond the Wall.
Set in the 11th Century, during the Song Dynasty, Damo stars as a weary mercenary travelling to China in search of gunpowder. At the Wall he discovers a squad of soldiers in aesthetically pleasing, colour co-ordinated armour, known as the Nameless Order, who are engaged in a last-ditch attempt to save China, and the world, from the invading monstrous Taotie.
A disaster in almost every respect, The Great Wall is built on the shakiest of foundations, with a risible script that makes almost no sense from the first line to the wearisome finale. Character development is nonexistent, the creatures so bland you forget what they look like as you’re looking at them, while the action is as pulsequickening as a lazy Sunday in front of Gardener’s World.
There are moments of beauty, as you’d expect from a director of Zhang “Hero” Yimou’s inarguable talents – with acrobatic soldiers bungee jumping off the Wall in formation, or a sequence set in a stained-glass tower that bathes every scene in a rainbow glow – but it’s a wonder this wall ever got planning permission. Jordan Farley