TOUR DE FRANCE 2017

Falling off the pace

Real talk: Cyanide isn’t EA Vancouver, and Tour De France isn’t FIFA. There’ll probably never be face-scanned riders in this series, nor a thriving trading-cardbased online mode upon which thousands of YouTubers launch their careers. But I’ve been playing this series for five years now, and I’m telling you: if you think nothing changes in FIFA, check out the Tour De France games.

This year the jerseys get an update, the BMC license has been secured1 and the names of the stages change to fall in line with the current year’s route. Ooh, and look – you can ride tours other than the titular alpine slog, such as the Critérium Du Dauphiné, and get stuck into an expanded team management component. 2 And that would all be fine, if longstanding issues like the sheer tedium of managing a stamina bar by holding r for almost the entirety of the game, and the punishingly samey environments, didn’t also endure.

It’s a conceptual problem, really, which is inherent to simulating a long-distance endurance sport. As a cycling fan, I’ve oscillated between defending the series’ failings like the stubborn parent of a playground bully and simply losing the will to sit on someone’s back wheel for 20-odd stages. This year I’m in the latter phase, through no other reason than TDF 2017’s inability to make tour cycling more active, more dynamic, or at the very least less like last year’s game. If you’re a diehard cycling fan with a Eurosport subscription to prove it, and you haven’t played any game in the Tour De France series before, try it. Otherwise: I’m prescribing you a TUE. Stay off the bike. Phil Iwaniuk

FOOTNOTES1 Don’t worry though, Sky and BMC rider names are still approximated, a la Kris Frip. 2 It mirrors Cyanide’s Pro Cycling Manager on PC. It’s like Football Manager, with thinner arms.

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