All in a Day’s Work

HUMOUR ON THE JOB

SEIZING THE OPPORTUNITY On duty as a policeman in Liverpool, UK, my brother noticed a man walking along the pavement with a portable bus stop (there were road works near the usual stop).

My brother remonstrated with him, but the man replied huffily, “I am NOT stealing it. I’m moving it closer to my house.” SUBMITTED BY

HARRI LEWIS

COINCIDENCE A little boy in my infant class came into school and told me he could spell his mum’s name.

“M-U-M,” he said proudly. Before I could congratulate him, another little boy said excitedly, “That’s how you spell my mum’s name, too!”

SUBMITTED BY PAULA MADDOCKS BITTER MUCH? This sign was found posted at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.”

“He’s cutting the workforce in half? But we can barely see over the workstation as it is.”

ONE SLICE SHORT OF A LOAF The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told the assistant that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another assistant the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

SUBMITTED BY CAROLE HOLDER PRICES SLASHED Here’s an ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”

SUBMITTED BY MICHAEL GOLDSTONE MISCOUNTING SHEEP My grandson lives on a farm. In one lesson his class were asked by their teacher, “If there were twelve sheep and six of them got through a hole in the fence, how many would be left?”

“None,” answered Dylan, my sevenyear-old grandson.

“You don’t know your arithmetic,” said the teacher. “Well, you don’t know your sheep,” replied Dylan. “When one

goes, they all go!” SUBMITTED BY LOUISE JONES QUICK NIBBLE I called into a local pet shop to buy some bedding for my niece’s pet rats. On entering the shop, there was a table with some samples of what looked like chocolate biscuits, and being a bit peckish – and not one to turn down a free titbit – I promptly picked one up and started munching on it as I looked for the rat department.

A young assistant approached me, and before I could ask where the rat bedding was, he informed me very pointedly that the shop was doing an offer on dog biscuit treats that week. I haven’t been back since.

SUBMITTED BY PATRICIA GUYATT

Here’s some advice: at a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 per cent. Unless the job is a statistician.

COMEDIAN ADAM GROPMAN