All in a Day’s Work
HUMOUR ON THE JOB
FAT CAT
A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual check-up. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat.
She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.
“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.” SUBMITTED BY SUSAN DANIEL
QUALIFIRED
The skills section of your resume is where you can impress hiring managers with your qualifications. Or not, as these real examples show.
■ “I offer mediocrity at its best.”
■ “I’m try-lingual.”
■ “I’ve got a PhD in human feelings.”
■ “Grate communication skills.”
■ “Familiar with all faucets of accounting.”
■ “PlayStation 2.”
■ “Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!” Source: resumania.com
MOUSE 2.0
I was asking my nursery school class about noises that animals made, and they got them all correct until we got to a mouse. “Click,” they said. It took me a few moments to realise what they meant … but even three and four year olds use computers these days! SUBMITTED BY CARYS MCCAULEY
ART WORKAROUND
While shopping for a painting, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having trouble choosing between two options. A few minutes later they settled on a picture with an autumn theme. “I see you prefer autumn scenes to floral ones,” said the shop owner assisting them.
“No,” replied the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.” Source: gcfl.net
SING OUT IF YOU KNOW IT
I teach year two, and during our English lesson we have a session where we have to find ‘amazing words’. It changes every week, and last week’s word was ‘enquire’.
One child put his hand up straight away. “I know what it means,” he said. “It’s when you sing in a church!” SUBMITTED BY LOIS JONES
LATE CHECKOUT
After my second year of medical school, I moved back home. One night I was up late studying for my clinical exam. Because my father woke me every morning at seven, I put a big note on my door: “DO NOT DISTURB. Studying until 3am.”
This got me no sympathy from my father, who is himself a doctor. He left a note attached to mine: “The hotel management hopes you’re enjoying your stay. We’d like to remind you that checkout was at noon – approximately six years ago.” SUBMITTED BY VARGHESE ABRAHAM
PICKING UP THE BILL
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’” he said. “And based on that, considering we have been married for 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.” SUBMITTED BY RON JAMES