The Imaginary Invalid

Is hypochondria all in the mind? asks Nury Vittachi

I DON’T ALWAYS Google my common cold symptoms but when I do I have the Black Death, pregnancy and a disease only horses get. This is not actually that surprising. I’ve had every disease known to man, except hypochondria, and I’ll probably catch that from a toilet seat today.

But I do admit that some diseases are definitely from the mind. There’s a sign hanging from the ceiling at a hospital near where this columnist lives that reads: ‘Beware of your head’. Wise advice.

Consider a letter I received from a reader in Thailand about a recent

murder. A man was found dead in Chiang Mai with 15 bullets fired into his rear end. Investigators, puzzled by the mode of execution, learned that a woman had been seeking a cure for her husband’s constipation. As one would, they consulted a witchdoctor, who confirmed that a “death by constipation” curse existed, but a spell to remove it could be had for the equivalent of US$2900.

So far, so relatively normal. But later, the couple remembered that a family member had died of constipation ten years earlier. OMG! Clearly, the witchdoctor was a serial killer whose modus operandi was to remotely shut down people’s digestive systems. Police said they got a gunman to kill the witchdoctor by gunshots to the rear end because – if you think about it scientifically – that would surely break the spell, right? Last I heard the couple were facing the terrifying prospect of many years in a Thai jail, a thought I know will dramatically cure the husband’s constipation. Stand well back!

Constipation is just one of many ailments with a mental element. I once told a colleague that his bloodshot eyes were “a sign of a twisted uterus” and he complained all day about how much his abdomen hurt.

All this talk of hypochondria reminds me we are overdue for an outbreak of koro. This disease appears in epidemic form every decade or so. It goes like this. 1) A guy imagines his genitals are smaller than he thought and tells friends they’ve shrunk. 2) The friends start to worry, which causes their genitals to shrink, too. 3) Repeat x 1000.

There have been many koro epidemics (Singapore in 1967, Thailand in the 1970s, Northeast India in the 1980s, West Africa in the 1990s and 2000s) but except for a small 2010 outbreak in south India, nothing recently. I may start an outbreak myself. Male readers: do you feel your boxer shorts are more roomy than they used to be? Oh dear. That could be a bad sign.

The modern medical treatment for koro is education and reassurance, but I suspect the traditional Chinese remedy works better: healers bang a giant gong very loudly near the sufferer and tell him he’s now fine.

In fact, the big gong thing could pretty much cure anyone of anything. I may try wheeling one into my local hospital and try it out. Stand well back!

There’s a sign hanging from the ceiling at a hospital that reads: ‘Beware of your head.’ Wise advice

Nury Vittachi is a Hong Kong-based author. Read his blog at Mrjam.org