Let Sleep­ing Dogs Lie

Reader's Digest Asia Pacific - - Laughter -

A coun­try store dis­plays a sign pro­claim­ing: “Be­ware of the dog?”

In­side, a cus­tomer sees a harm­less old hound ly­ing fast asleep in the mid­dle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re sup­posed to

MUG’S GAME

I al­ways use laugh­ter as a de­fence mech­a­nism.

Turns out it’s a ter­ri­ble way to stop a mug­ging. CO­ME­DIAN TOM SMITH

MORE THAN YOU CAN STOM­ACH

Two men are sit­ting in the doc­tor’s wait­ing room. The first man is hold­ing his shoul­der in pain while the sec­ond has tomato sauce in his hair, egg and be wary of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the re­ply. “He doesn’t look very dan­ger­ous to me. Why would you post that sign?”

“Well, be­fore I posted it, peo­ple kept trip­ping over him.” Seen on­line beans down the front of his shirt and two sausages stick­ing out of his pock­ets. Af­ter a while, the sec­ond man asks the first what hap­pened.

“My cat got stuck in a tree,” the man says, grip­ping his arm. “I went up af­ter him and fell. I think I’ve bro­ken my shoul­der. You?”

“Oh, it’s noth­ing se­ri­ous,” the sec­ond man replies. “I’m just not eat­ing prop­erly.” SUB­MIT­TED BY GRA­HAME JONES

CRAZY TIMES

Way back in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell ev­ery­one you ate waf­fles for break­fast, you couldn’t just go on the in­ter­net and tweet about it.

There was only one way to do it. You had to go out­side and scream at the top of your lungs, “To­day, I ate waf­fles for break­fast!”

That’s why so many peo­ple ended up in in­sti­tu­tions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time. CO­ME­DIAN ELLEN DE­GENERES

DE­ODOR­ANT DILEMMA

They stopped sell­ing my favourite de­odor­ant the last time I was at the su­per­mar­ket, so I had to pick a new one. All they had was ‘Max Sport 48 Hour’.

It’s good mar­ket­ing I guess. If you’re spend­ing your week­end wrestling, you want a pow­er­ful de­odor­ant. I think what I re­ally need is ‘16 Hour Net­flix-Binge-Watching Pro­tec­tion’. I’d prob­a­bly still get ‘Max Sport’ though – I’d be too em­bar­rassed to be caught with that kind of truth in my bas­ket. Seen on­line

PART­ING COM­PANY

My Pol­ish friends, a mar­ried cou­ple, sep­a­rated some months ago and I can’t see any hope of a rec­on­cil­i­a­tion – de­spite mar­riage coun­selling, they’re still poles apart. SUB­MIT­TED BY GER O’SUL­LI­VAN

FOOD FIGHT

I ate a plough­man’s lunch to­day. He wasn’t very happy. Seen on­line

DRIVE-BY MOOING

I used to live next door to a farm and ev­ery time I passed the cows in the field, I used to in­ex­pli­ca­bly shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy in­tol­er­ant. CO­ME­DIAN AL­FIE MOORE

Shoot­ing ar­rows is old hat... The fu­ture is hack­ing into dat­ing web­sites...

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