Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

A country store displays a sign proclaiming: “Beware of the dog?”

Inside, a customer sees a harmless old hound lying fast asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to

MUG’S GAME

I always use laughter as a defence mechanism.

Turns out it’s a terrible way to stop a mugging. COMEDIAN TOM SMITH

MORE THAN YOU CAN STOMACH

Two men are sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. The first man is holding his shoulder in pain while the second has tomato sauce in his hair, egg and be wary of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look very dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”

“Well, before I posted it, people kept tripping over him.” Seen online beans down the front of his shirt and two sausages sticking out of his pockets. After a while, the second man asks the first what happened.

“My cat got stuck in a tree,” the man says, gripping his arm. “I went up after him and fell. I think I’ve broken my shoulder. You?”

“Oh, it’s nothing serious,” the second man replies. “I’m just not eating properly.” SUBMITTED BY GRAHAME JONES

CRAZY TIMES

Way back in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet about it.

There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, “Today, I ate waffles for breakfast!”

That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time. COMEDIAN ELLEN DEGENERES

DEODORANT DILEMMA

They stopped selling my favourite deodorant the last time I was at the supermarket, so I had to pick a new one. All they had was ‘Max Sport 48 Hour’.

It’s good marketing I guess. If you’re spending your weekend wrestling, you want a powerful deodorant. I think what I really need is ‘16 Hour Netflix-Binge-Watching Protection’. I’d probably still get ‘Max Sport’ though – I’d be too embarrassed to be caught with that kind of truth in my basket. Seen online

PARTING COMPANY

My Polish friends, a married couple, separated some months ago and I can’t see any hope of a reconciliation – despite marriage counselling, they’re still poles apart. SUBMITTED BY GER O’SULLIVAN

FOOD FIGHT

I ate a ploughman’s lunch today. He wasn’t very happy. Seen online

DRIVE-BY MOOING

I used to live next door to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field, I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant. COMEDIAN ALFIE MOORE

Shooting arrows is old hat... The future is hacking into dating websites...