All in a Day’s Work
CROSSED WIRES A lawyer was questioning a man about his pending divorce. “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About one-and-a-half hectares and a nice home with a stream running by,” he said.
“No,” the lawyer replied, “I mean what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my wife.”
The lawyer persisted, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” he replied, “we have a driveway – we never needed one.”
“Please,” the lawyer said, getting impatient, “has there been infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets,” replied the man.
Frustrated, the lawyer cried, “Sir, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t,” the man replied. “My wife does. She claims she’s having difficulty communicating with me.” SUBMITTED BY CATHERINE HISCOX SEEING IS BELIEVING I used to service radios for the local flying club. I’d finished a job on the plane when the owner – a rather elderly gentleman – asked me if I’d like to join him for a flight.
On returning to the airfield, the approach was a bit shaky. The wheels hit the ground with an almighty bump and the airfield controller came on the radio and said, “That’s the best ‘controlled crash’ I’ve ever seen.” My elderly pilot turned to me and said, “Don’t tell him, but I was wearing the wrong glasses. These are for reading only!” SUBMITTED BY ALAN ANDREWS HARD TO IMPRESS I was performing my musical act at a primary school one day. The principal charged all the kids 50 cents each to impress upon them that art isn’t free. As the kindergarteners filed in, one scowling little boy fixed me with a hard stare and said, “This had better be worth the money.” I can honestly say that was the most stressful gig I’ve ever played. SUBMITTED BY GERRI GRIBI
WELL SUMMED UP Upon finishing a maths unit, I wanted to assess my kindergarten students’ grasp of the concepts of a dozen and a half-dozen. Taking a child aside, I asked: “If you have 12 doughnuts, I’d call that one dozen. If I ate half those doughnuts, and you had only six left, what would you call that?” With little hands to hips, she inhaled sharply and huffed, “Well! I’d call that rude!” SUBMITTED BY DEB ELLIS
“And where do you see yourself six lives from now?”