How to Deal With Complainers
You can change the tone of the conversation
We all know someone – or maybe more than one person – whose constant barrage of negativity can add stress to your life. Some people, it seems, thrive on finding the cloud instead of the silver lining.
Listening to a chronic complainer
spout off about anything ( and everything) can be stressful, especially if you can’t figure out how to get him to scale back his stream of negativity. But there are ways to get a complainer to taper off without offending him – although it might make him start complaining about you.
WHY PEOPLE COMPLAIN
Even the kindest, most considerate people complain. Researchers estimate that the average person – whether male or female, young or old – expresses dissatisfaction between 15 and 30 times daily.
“It’s not a quantitative difference, it’s a qualitative difference among groups,” says psychology Professor Robin Kowalski, one of the first researchers to study complaining. “People in their 70s, for example, differ in what they complain about, but I don’t think they differ in the amount that they complain from somebody who’s in their 30s– there’s just different things to complain about.”
Not all complaining has a negative impact. Some people complain to get results, because they’re tired of a partner coming home late for dinner every night. Others complain to strike up conversations or bond with people they don’t know well.
“If there’s bad weather and you’re talking to a neighbour or passing someone on the street, no one is going to disagree,” says communications coach Dian Killian, who teaches a course to help people deal with chronic complainers. “It’s an easy thing to agree on.”
People also use complaints to confide in others, which may deepen relationships.
“It’s like, Oh, wow, this person’s trusting me to share this information with,” Professor Kowalski says. “There’s something empowering about knowing that the person is trusting you with this self-disclosure.”
A CHRONIC HABIT
Many people who complain frequently don’t realise that they do it. Complaining can become the default mode, much to the dismay of everyone around them.
“Reasons for chronic complaining differ much across people,” says Professor Ruut Veenhoven, an expert in social conditions for human happiness. “For some, it may be deep self-justification. For others, a mere superficial way of conversation.”
Some people, consciously or unconsciously, make complaining a way of life, railing about not just what’s wrong but also about things that may go wrong. This may be an attention-getting technique, or it may be a way to shift blame away from themselves.
“When something goes wrong, they say, ‘It’s as usual,’” says social psychology Professor Charles Martin-Krumm. “You say that everything will go wrong, but in fact, this is a strategy to avoid those emotions you would feel if you would really fail.”
Some complain consciously and frequently, and they’re typically never satisfied by any suggestions to address the problems that they highlight.
If they’re a help-rejecting complainer, I won’t be able to offer a solution that they haven’t already thought of,
OFTEN CHRONIC COMPLAINERS GRUMBLE ABOUT THE SAME ISSUES TIME AND AGAIN
says Professor Kowalski. “As long as they’re getting attention, even if it’s negative attention, they’re OK with that.”
Chronic complainers often repeat themselves, grumbling about the same issues time and again.
“That’s an indication, by the way, that they also have a need to be heard,” Killian says. “It’s a kind of counter-intuitive thing we do as humans: when we have a need to be heard, we repeat ourselves, we get louder, sometimes become more emphatic. They’re not often successful strategies, but they seem to be hardwired, or to be culturally learned, at least in Western culture.”
HEALTH PROBLEMS
Chronic complainers may be pessimistic, and some research shows that pessimists may be more likely to develop chronic conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes.
But the health effects of chronic complaining are often felt more significantly by the people who get stuck listening to the complaints. It’s stressful being subjected to the stream of negativity, and the barrage over time may affect an area of the brain related to memory and learning.
“Daily stressors certainly take a toll on the function of the hippocampus,” says neurology Professor Robert Sapolsky, who studies the effects of chronic stress. “Half a dozen hours of stress, or stress-hormone exposure, and the hippocampus isn’t taking up as much glucose or oxygen as usual, isn’t learning as well.”
STRATEGIES THAT WORK
When you realise that you complain too much and want to curtail the habit, you can strive to become more aware of your tendencies, then cut back. It’s harder when you’re hoping to curtail someone else’s complaining habit to make your existence less stressful, but there are solutions. Change the subject.
Some complainers can easily switch gears if you shift the conversation in a direction that interests them. If he’s complaining about the phone company, tell him about an unexpected phone call you received from an old friend. If he’s complaining about your boss, ask if he heard about the new employee.
“It’s that lack of awareness – they’re just mindlessly venting,” Professor Kowalski says. “Using distraction is a great tool. And keep using it; don’t
THE HEALTH EFFECTS OF CHRONIC COMPLAINING ARE OFTEN FELT MORE BY THE LISTENERS
just try it one time … Get them off the focus that they’re currently on.”
Summarise the complaint.
If your complainer keeps repeating the same comment while venting, he may stop if you demonstrate that you’re listening, because he may simply want attention and understanding.
“Say, ‘Hey, I noticed I’m hearing you say things I heard you say a couple of minutes ago – I’m wondering, can I tell you what I’ve heard so far, so you know that I’ve understood it?’” Killian says.
To use this technique, use an ‘I’ statement – like ‘ I’m hearing you say things’ – rather than a ‘you’ statement – like ‘ you keep repeating yourself ’ – because it shows that you’re interested in learning what the complainer said, rather than trying to shut him down.
Once you paraphrase, ask if you’ve understood the main points. This may move the conversation along, allowing you to discuss the subtext or possible solutions, rather than listening to the same comment over and over.
Challenge someone to act.
When someone tells you about his latest problem, ask what he’s done to improve it. This isn’t the usual direction that a complaint-laced conversation takes, and it may help to abruptly end a rant.
“For your chronic complainer, typically, it’s not about a strategy to fix it; they just really want to keep talking about it and keep complaining about it,” Kowalski says. “If you break that pattern by, ‘Well, what have you done to address this?’, it puts them off guard and people typically stop. You’re confronting them, but you’re doing it not by saying, ‘You’re chronically complaining.’ You’re forcing their hand like, ‘OK, well tell me what
you’ve done.’”
Be honest about your needs.
When you have things to do, tell the complainer that you must cut the conversation short. For example, if you’ve got a big work deadline and a complaining colleague, politely excuse yourself to prepare your project.
You can also be honest about your need to preserve your mental health, especially if it’s someone who’s complained many times before.
“Go into what we call ‘ honest expression’ – an observation, a feeling, a need and a request,” Killian says. “Such as, ‘I’m hearing you say that you’re really upset about [how rude the neighbours are] and I think
I’ve heard you talk about this, easily, ten times before, maybe more. And I am really frustrated and confused. I’m wanting some understanding [I’ve said many times that I don’t like the neighbours, either]. What would you really like? What could help you feel more relaxed and calm about this? … Because I really want to enjoy our time together.’”
Have a heart-to-heart.
When someone close to you – your partner, sibling or best friend – stresses you with constant complaints, it may be time to talk about the problem; if you bottle up your feelings and continue listening to repeated complaints, you may grow resentful or start avoiding the person. Broach the topic gently.
“Talk about the effect it’s having on you, not pointing a finger at the other person,” Kowalski says. “You’re still acknowledging the other person’s behaviour, but it’s being done in terms of ‘ I’ and ‘me,’ rather than ‘you’re doing x, y or z.’”
Try to avoid using the word ‘complaining’ when you talk to your complainer. “‘Complaining’ is such a loaded term and it has such negative connotations,” Kowalski says. “The way I would approach that person would be to say, ‘It seems like you’ve been a lot more dissatisfied in the last six months or two years. What seems to be going on with that, and how can we get that dissatisfaction to decrease?’ Because ‘dissatisfaction’ is not nearly as loaded a term.”