Chastity Bites

Release Date: OUT NOW!

2014 | 15 | DVD

Even

Warehouse 13’ s ace Allison Scagliotti can’t save this dire horror- comedy that’s about as scary as a box full of kittens and as funny as flesh- eating bacteria. Scagliotti stars as Leah, the local high school’s token feminist, who takes against abstinence councillor Liz Bathos with good reason: Liz is really a centuries- old Hungarian countess who murders virgins and bathes in their blood to stay young ( yep, it’s another riff on the notorious Countess Bathory).

The plot is bobbins, the performances less restrained than what you’d expect from the average pantomime, the gags fall awkwardly flat every single time and Hammer was doing more convincing gore in the ’ 50s. It has aspirations to be Mean Girls meets Cherry Falls but falls desperately short of both.

Extras: Trailer. Jordan Farley