DAMIEN

He’s the antichrist, you know

We’re introduced to our sort-of hero, DAMIEN THORN, who once used to be best mates with MERLIN but is now a war photographer taking pictures of carnage, death and destruction all around the world.

DAMIEN Wherever I go, people die. You’d think I was cursed or something.

ANN RUTLEDGE Hello, Damien. I’m a mysterious woman who’s been watching you your whole life. That “you think you’re cursed” thing? It’s because you’re the antichrist. Surprise!

DAMIEN Bollocks am I.

An OLD LADY screams “I love you, Damien!” before being shot dead. DAMIEN’S GIRLFRIEND dies horribly in a sinkhole. HELL HOUNDS follow him wherever he goes, watching. He has flashbacks to his childhood, when his NANNY killed herself, also yelling that she loves Damien. And his father, GREGORY PECK, once tried to sacrifice him on an altar.

ANN RUTLEDGE See? Death follows you everywhere. You’re the antichrist.

DAMIEN Bollocks am I. Also, Gregory Peck was my dad in the original 1976 movie when I was five. So I don’t understand how I’m 30 in 2016. The maths is all wrong.

THE WRITERS Shhhhh. Just go with it.

DAMIEN goes to a church for his girlfriend’s funeral, and throws up.

ANN RUTLEDGE You’re sick in churches because you’re the antichrist. DAMIEN Bollocks am I.

Someone tries to kill DAMIEN with one of the Daggers of Megiddo his dad once used; the assassin is sliced in two by a car. Someone who has been horrible to DAMIEN is killed by his tie being dragged into an escalator. It goes on. And on. Some of the deaths are impressively gross. Also, someone finds a dead chick in their bathroom drain, which for some weird reason is more gross than all the deaths put together.

DAMIEN …Hmmm. This is starting to get weird.

ANN I love you, Damien. Also, you’re the antichrist.

After lots of brooding, being stared at by HELL HOUNDS and being wound up by ANN, DAMIEN finally thinks “Sod this lark” and tries to kill himself. He fails and ends up in an asylum.

THE WRITERS What this brand-new show needs are two episodes in which Damien wanders from room to room in an asylum seeing weird things in the dark, and then an entire episode that’s just a fever-dream. They’ll really help advance the plot!

THE AUDIENCE We are so bored.

DAMIEN It is surprisingly boring being the antichrist. Maybe I should take my shirt off a lot to make up for it. A HUGE SECTION OF THE AUDIENCE We love you, Damien!