OUTLANDER
Mac To The Future, Part Deux
UK Broadcast Amazon Prime, finished US Broadcast Starz, finished Episodes Reviewed 2.01-2.12
Scotland, 1948. CLAIRE runs down a road in an 18th century dress, pregnant.
CLAIRE Culloden! Culloden! Who won at Culloden?
SCOTTISH EXTRA Och, ye’re just rubbing it in, sassenach.
CLAIRE Then I didn’t change history!
SCOTTISH EXTRA Spoilers!
Flashback: Le Harve, 1745.
JAMIE I’m nae convinced asking Scotsmen to lose a fight against the English is a good idea.
CLAIRE Well, no. There’s a simpler way. You go to Paris, become a top wine merchant, make the right friends and convince Prince Charlie not to fund the Jacobite rebellion.
Paris, 1746, a bedroom
JAMIE I’ve made all the right friends at court.
CLAIRE Have you convinced the Prince not to fund the rebellion?
JAMIE No, but we had a great time at a whore house.
Paris, 1746. Versailles.
CLAIRE There’s Black Jack Randall!
JAMIE Where?
CLAIRE Over there. Buggering a kitten. You must not kill him, Jamie. He’s my 20th century’s husband’s ancestor.
JAMIE Hang on, so making one small change to history is bad but changing the outcome of Culloden is good? JACK Hello Jamie. Arse still sore?
JAMIE I challenge you to a duel.
CLAIRE Jamie no!
JAMIE Don’t worry. Think of the make up sex!
JACK I accept the duel. Ouch, you’ve cut my balls off.
A muddy field, 1746.
CLAIRE How do we prevent Culloden now?
JAMIE We don’t. We join the Jacobite army and help them win it!
CLAIRE and JAMIE join the Jacobites. Lots of old friends die or get killed. CLAIRE and JAMIE have lots of sex. Nothing alters the inexorable march towards Culloden. JACK Hello again. Excuse me while I punch the dead body of my brother.
CLAIRE That’s the most human thing you’ve done in two seasons.
JACK Do you still predict I shall die at Culloden?
CLAIRE Sweet F-all we’ve done has changed history. You might as well marry my friend Mary because I know she’ll only have to put up with you for a couple of days.
JACK I’d rather have Jamie.
CLAIRE Don’t even go there.
JACK So the whole season has been pointless?
CLAIRE Well, I did get lots of break-up sex and a new baby. Dave Golder