THE KETTERING INCIDENT

Tasmanian bedevilment

London: Tilda Swinton someone cheaper wakes up in the street.

ANNA What the…? I must have blacked out and woken up in a compl...

Cut to: a car. In Tasmania.

ANNA What the...? I must have blacked out ag…

Cut to: a forest.

ANNA Oh for fu…

Cut to: a café.

WAITRESS Are you Anna? The Anna? The one whose friend went missing in the forest as a kid, and it could be UFO abduction but maybe she’s a murderer?

ANNA Er…. No, another Anna. Can I get a coffee to wash down my anti-psychotics?

Anna takes her punk t-shirt off.

WAITRESS Why did you do that?

ANNA We’re sponsored by Playtex. Hey, that friend was actually my half-sister, y’know.

WAITRESS Pfft, that’s nothing – I’m shagging a cop.

BAD COP I’m a drug smuggler.

ANNA Wow, practically everyone in this small logging town has a sinister secret.

WAITRESS Yeah, I hope David Lynch isn’t watching.

The window is suddenly covered in giant moths.

ANNA WTF?!

WAITRESS Oh, it’s just a surreal device simultaneously explicable as a natural phenomenon. We get a lot of that round these parts.

The wall is suddenly covered in moss.

WAITRESS See what I mean?

Cut to: the logging yard. The waitress’s dead body is found.

GOOD COP Great, now everyone in town is going to fall under suspicion.

Enter David Lynch.

DAVID LYNCH You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

Cut to: three men in a room.

BAD COP I think they’ve found out about it.

ANNA’S DAD You mean the thing in the forest?

DEAD GIRL’S DAD Why so oblique? Why don’t we say if it’s UFOs or toxic waste?

Anna’s dad points to the camera.

DEAD GIRL’S DAD Ah… gotcha.

Anna enters.

ANNA Guys, I wouldn’t bother stringing this out – everyone turned off during the titles anyway cause they thought it was set in Northamptonshire.

A swarm of moths covers the windows.

ANNA Would anyone like to see my bra again? Ian Berriman