TREADMILL

I HAVE been grinding out the treadmill dyno a lot in the past 12 months – had to reduce cubes under quack’s orders. But every time I jump on the treadmill I cannot help but pump out the first 400 metres! I know it’s a 5km event, but no man of petrol can resist the 400m test.

Anyway, I have been looking at ways to get the power down over the first 60 on the treadmill, and I am pleased to reveal the results of my dyno testing; the yuppie method versus the yobbo method.

The yuppie test saw me cracking along in my New Balances. I got out of the hole nicely, got a good 60-foot time and was straight over the line no probs. All good. ET: 2:43.00@10km/h.

For the yobbo test, I changed to thongs, and that is where the fun began. I did a test hit, but before I even got a feel for things, the gym police pulled in behind me.

“Turn off the treadmill please, sir,” demanded the protein junky. I complied, and he walked around surveying my thongs while swirling his ‘Supervisor’ lanyard.

“Are these covered-in shoes?” he queried, pointing at my thongs. “Yes,” I lied.

He was stumped for a few seconds. “Um, they are not,” he bellyached like a sook. Busted. Dammit! I had to think fast, so I adopted my coolest stance, looked him in the eye and honestly began to lie.

“Look mate,” I explained, “I am running a community outreach program for young disadvantaged men from rehab, including re-offenders, the homeless and, um, the dyslexic. Kind of a welfare group focussing on ownership of health and nutrition. We call it Thongs, Not Bongs – ‘off the bungers and onto the pluggers’ is our motto, and I am just doing some research on thongs. I hope you are okay with that?”

He appeared not totally convinced, so I offered up the coup de grace. “We are looking for team leaders; if you are interested that would be great,” I said. “I will give you a team leader lanyard and you will need to display a certificate that I will issue you with, in case of an audit.” Then I pointed to the wall where his certificate from the College of Fitness Certificates hung. That was all it took: At the very mention of lanyard and certificate his ears pricked up and he walked into my net.

So now I was free to run my thong dyno test. I got a decent jump but just before the 60-foot mark my left thong shook; I had to pedal the thing to get it straight. I got it hooked up again, but just before the finish it got a bit loose and I had to pedal it again. Damn thongs. ET: 2:55.00@10km/h (with a pedal). Redmond, email