The flicks
There’s so much to be spankful for in FIFTY SHADES DARKER — but not much of a plot — while RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER gives us one last ride in the zombie van
FIFTY SHADES DARKER (MA15+)
Director: James Foley ( Glengarry Glen Ross) Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eric Johnson, Kim Basinger, Bella Heatchote Rating: *** You’ve been a bad, bad audience. You made Fifty Shades of Grey a huge box-office hit back in 2015.
So now buy a ticket, take a seat and await the punishment you richly deserve: Fifty Shades Darker.
This same-again, lamer-than-before sequel is adapted from the middle instalment of bestselling author E.L. James’ trilogy of heavybreathing howlers.
The first movie barely got by on nervous energy and novelty value. Now there is no hiding the sedately sleazy formula in play here.
So every 10 minutes, it’s tops-up-andtrousers-down time. Sometimes incorporating a salacious new bit of gear that doofus dominant Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan) has added to his collection.
Once again, the pliant plaything perpetually tied to Mr Grey’s satin-sheeted workbench is Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson).
She had ditched Christian at the end of the first movie, but just couldn’t stay away from the dude’s designer dungeon for too long.
When not submitting to yet another scheduled spank-athon, Anastasia keeps wondering aloud what is wrong with her toocruel-for-school boyfriend.
The right answer: nothing a cold shower and a restraining order won’t fix.
But that probably shan’t dawn on the poor girl until next year’s finale, Fifty Shades Freed.
In the meantime, there is plenty of mixed(up) business for the kinky couple to see to. Anastasia, now working as a book editor, must escape the clutches of a predatory publisher whose bedroom eyes are flashing like a lighthouse.
As for Christian, his I’m-so-rich-and-kindof-bored act is rudely interrupted by two
RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER (MA15+)
Director: Paul W S Anderson Starring: Milla Jovovich, Iain Glen, Ali Larter, Shawn Roberts, Ruby Rose, William Levy Rating: **1/2 It was back in 2007 that Resident Evil: Extinction was billed as “the final instalment” of those samey, gamey movies where Milla Jovovich carves up zillions of zombies for our entertainment pleasure.
However, the franchise has remained decidedly undead ever since.
So don’t go reading the title of this one as anything remotely resembling a promise.
That said, this latest offering of offings is a slight improvement over some feeble recent work.
A screenplay that actually has a little bit of interesting storytelling in it for a change is the main reason for the uptick.
There is now just a few thousand uninfected people left on the planet, and avenging angel Alice (Jovovich) only has 48 hours to locate the airborne antivirus that will save them from zombie oblivion.
Coherency has never been a strong suit of the series, but there are long stretches where the whole saga finally starts to make some sense. unwelcome blasts from the past.
Elena Lincoln (Kim Basinger) is the creepy cougar who bought Christian his first pair of kinky boots back when he was still a young trainee perv. She doesn’t like Anastasia much.
Leila (Australia’s Bella Heathcote) is the stalker-ish sub that Christian used to control back in the day. Guess what? She doesn’t like Anastasia much, either.
Another pressing concern of Fifty Shades Darker— which to be honest, doesn’t have much on its storytelling stretch-rack — is its desperate need to continually direct our attention to the bulge in Christian’s bank account.
Only Donald Trump is more shameless when it comes to the 24/7 flaunting of great wealth and poor taste.
Such seedy soap-opera shenanigans makes Fifty Shades Darker exactly the tastefully arranged pile of perfumed garbage that most franchise fans were hoping for.
The fleeting guilty pleasure and the neverending shame of it all is theirs for the taking.