RIDING THE WAVE Girls,
the future is yours to make your own, so make sure you paddle out into it as hard as you can
Darling girls,
Many times over the past six months I’ve looked at you poring over your history books and wondered whether you realised that history was being made around you. I’ve pondered whether 100 years from now girls like you will be looking back at the second decade of the 21st century and shaking their heads with incredulity at the sexual reckoning that took place. What will they make of Trump and Weinstein and #metoo? And how will it be described — as a tipping point, a revolution, a witch-hunt or a watershed?
We can’t know but as the momentum built from a slow drip to a deafening downpour, as revelations ricocheted from Hollywood to politics, theatre and sport and finally trickled down to every industry on the globe, I wondered what to tell you. Which bits mattered? Where were the lessons for your generation? If this moment might make it a little easier for you and your gender then what obligations do you have to carry it forward? And what about the boys? Because this is not a simple seesaw on which women rise and men plummet. Rather it’s a merry-go-round that has momentarily stalled, everyone’s changed seats, the music has stopped and we’re all waiting for it to start moving again, though possibly in a different direction.
L and E, you are 14 and 17. Distressingly, one of you has already suffered the sort of pernicious sexual assault that shocks you at the time, unsettles you in the days that follow then forevermore is laid down in your memory. You can legitimately type #metoo. As your mum I cannot tell you how much it pains me to know that.
But darlings you mustn’t be cowed. The world is about to turn to a new tune and you will be entering adulthood and the workplace at a time of enlightenment. Here’s a few things to think about:
Set the tone. In every interaction you have there will be two people and in many cases, one will be trying to overrule the other. Whether it’s your boss or your boyfriend or the bloke trying to sell you a car, be informed. Knowledge is not just power, it’s your ticket to being heard and respected. Feed your feelings with facts because the most impressive people are those whose heads and hearts work in tandem. Be bold and brave but never so arrogant that you dismiss those that aren’t.
Invoke the law. There are many disheartening elements of the Harvey Weinstein story, chief among them the fear his victims felt about speaking out. The power imbalance led many to believe they couldn’t but the law is the process by which we achieve order. Our human resources departments, the police and the judiciary may not offer the collegiality of a hash tag but lasting, measurable and genuine change is achieved through due process. E, remember when that man grabbed your chest when you walked down the street on your way to work experience? Remember how we went to the police, how they took it seriously, called us back to check details and eventually rang to say that the security cameras in the area didn’t cover that part of the street. The man wasn’t caught but in going through that process you regained your power.
Never let anyone get away with telling you: “That’s just boys”. No, it’s not all boys. Plenty are thoughtful and nuanced and trying to find a place in the world beyond the patriarchy. Teach them that real sex is more precious and pleasurable than porn; that being part of the world doesn’t always mean being the boss of it; that violence is the language of the ignorant. Equally have the moral capacity, as Bret Stephens writes in
“to distinguish between aggressive sexual predation and run-of-the-mill romantic bungling”.
Manage your money. Even if you’re married, do not abrogate responsibility. Never be or say you’re useless with money. Protect it like you would your health. One of the fist pumping elements of the #timesup campaign is that it has amassed hard cash to help women in every industry sue the perpetrators of sexual assault. Twitter makes a noise; money makes a difference.
Call out the crap. Remember E, when you were in year five and you were indignant that the boys’ soccer team had a shiny strip yet your girls’ team had to bring a T-shirt from home. You asked why. And L, the note you wrote to that boy telling him you could no longer be his girlfriend if he wasn’t going to actually speak to you. Communicate your concerns but also listen to others’.
If you’re concerned that something is unfair, put it through author Caitlin Moran’s bulls**t barometer. Ask yourself: “Are men worrying about this? Are they being told to do this? Is this taking up men’s time?”
Keep learning. Be curious and inquiring. The workplaces you enter will be fairer than ever before but the world won’t be. There are still honour killings and genital mutilations and babies in India are still being killed because they are girls.
Finally, be enthused. Only by living through and responding to what is ugly, shameful and dispiriting can we ever truly grow. angelamollard@gmail.com Follow me at twitter.com/angelamollard