The flicks
Don’t expect much more than a trashy treasure, nicely repolished in TOMB RAIDER while THAT’S NOT MY DOG rolls over, plays dead ... very convincingly
TOMB RAIDER (M) Director: Roar Uthaug ( The Wave) Starring: Alicia Vikander, Dominic West, Walton Goggins, Daniel Wu, Kristin Scott Thomas Rating:
THE world was not exactly crying out for a Tomb Raider reboot.
Particularly one where the imposing physical charisma of the original Lara Croft, Ms Angelina Jolie, has been replaced by the daintier stylings of Alicia Vikander.
Let’s be right upfront and state that while the new Tomb Raider movie is no improvement upon the original, it is no rank disappointment either. As a disposable diversion, it gets the job done just well enough.
The constant reason why is Vikander, who turns out to be a more than adequate substitute for her predecessor.
The opening act of the new Tomb Raider goes to considerable lengths to disprove any misgivings Vikander might be too delicate a flower to withstand the tough stuff associated with the famously feisty role of Lara Croft.
In the first scene, Vikander is spotted copping a severe belting in a boxing ring, just like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby.
Minutes later, she is tearing it up on two wheels, performing several impressive feats of bicycle parkour while zooming in and out of traffic on the busy streets of London.
In fact, the new Tomb Raider gets off to such to a genuinely exciting and surprisingly fresh start, most initially wary viewers will drop their guard and raise their expectations.
Try and resist that temptation if you can. For Tomb Raider has a fixed game plan it is ultimately obliged to follow. Particularly once it gets around to putting Lara in the vicinity of a tomb that must be raided.
The crypt in question — home to an ancient zombie virus which could level the world if released — is located on an uncharted island somewhere between China and Japan.
After leaving London for Hong Kong on an inkling her presumed-dead dad (Dominic West) might still be alive, Lara buddies up with a drunk sea captain (Daniel Wu) who is able to
THAT’S NOT MY DOG! (M) Director: Dean Murphy ( Strange Bedfellows) Starring: Shane Jacobson, Paul Hogan, Jimeoin, Tim Ferguson, Lehmo, Marty Fields Rating:
A POSTER for this sad old excuse for a movie promises “the greatest jokes ever told ... get told!”
That ain’t quite the case with That’s Not My Dog! This purports to be a filmed document of a party where (according to a promo blurb) Shane Jacobson invited “the funniest people he knows” to “come armed with nothing but the funniest jokes they’ve ever heard.”
On the evidence presented here, only one of two conclusions can be drawn: (1) if these are the funniest people Jacobson knows, he needs to get out more often; or (2) if these are the funniest jokes these people have ever heard, they need to get their hearing checked straight away.
Most gags are very old, rundown and have seen better days. Some jaded jokesters lazily try to renovate them with a bonus swear word or transport her to the mysterious isle. Upon arrival, Lara makes an enemy of conniving castaway Mathias Vogel (Walton Goggins), who has been trying for years to find and open the aforementioned crypt. Vogel isn’t much of a villain, and the true significance of the virally infested tomb (and the treasure it also holds) is two, which just makes them all the more decrepit. Speaking of lazy, word must go out to any potential viewers of That’s My Dog! who might be sucked in by another dodgy promise being floated as a publicity hook.
Yes, there is indeed an average of “a joke per minute” delivered across the hour-and-a-half duration of the movie.
However, the numbers have been artificially inflated by recurring scenes where the same two comics whip through one-liners so weak (“You’ve really got to hand it to blind prostitutes!”) they would not have cut it as dad jokes a century ago.
The brief gaps between yarns are filled with cutaways to logos belonging to the producer’s promotional partners, and also excerpts from zestless live music performances on the evening from the likes of Adam Brand, Joe Camilleri, Russell Morris and Dan Kelly.
All involved in this poorly stocked yard sale of discontinued humour laugh at each other’s punchlines with the rehearsed good cheer of those who have been paid just enough to do so on cue. That’s Not My Dog! is now showing for a (mercifully) limited season. sketchily conveyed at best. However, a ready supply of quality standalone action sequences (including a shipwreck, a crashed plane suspended at the mouth of a waterfall, and a long journey through a killer maze) and Vikander’s assured presence keeps boredom at bay for the most part. DEATH WISH (R18+) They killed his wife, and now they’re gonna pay. They also left his daughter in a coma, so now everyone is really gonna pay. Who did what — and who must make reparations to he who is aggrieved — is of little consequence to Death Wish. This is supposed to be a remake of the 1974 revenge thriller starring Charles Bronson, a brutal affair that spawned a further four, increasingly awful instalments in the decade that followed. However, all this update can do is sullenly recapture the grim mood of the original movie, albeit only for a few minutes at a time. A lethargic Bruce Willis steps into the shoes of Bronson with all the enthusiasm of someone who may have taken the role only because a beloved household pet is being held hostage by the filmmakers. Those with an eye for the cinematically trivial will notice this sadistically violent affair has legitimately earned an R18+ rating from Australian censors, which is almost impossible to do these days. Rating: MARY MAGDALENE (M) FOR reasons too political, theological and just plain mean to go into here, a Jewish woman known as Mary of Magdala has had her good name cop a bad rap in the history books for more than 2000 years. It must be said Mary Magdalene does a fine job of clarifying Mary’s motives as she moved through the inner circle of Jesus Christ. What a shame it is also a religious drama so dour and dreary that you may start wondering if there is a God. As for Mary, it is not unfair to record she is played with a bare minimum of expression and an unfeasible number of wistful stares into the distance by Rooney Mara. There are scenes where Mara is able to convey the questing intellect and deep conviction of her character. Which raises the suspicion that the sparse screenplay has been too stripped back in certain sections. Who knows what devout viewers will make of Joaquin Phoenix here, playing Jesus as a cross between The Dude from The Big Lebowski and a guy who enjoys starting conversations with strangers on public transport. About all the film truly gets right is the case made for Mary of Magdala as a pioneer of proto-feminism in its purest form. No longer should she be remembered as the ultimate fallen woman, who would have been nothing without a pick-me-up from that guy from Galilee. Rating: