It’s difficult to digest full picture

IT was the Christmas photo I wish I hadn’t seen. We were just about to attend church and we got a passer-by to take a family happy snap. Now, either he was a terrible photographer or I really did look as bad as I appeared to look in that hideous photo.

I hastily deleted it from my phone and thought about all the times I had complained when, in the course of my work, I came across celebrities who wanted to control their image.

Some people won’t have their photo taken unless they can choose the one that is finally used, and I have always thought that was unreasonable. Until now.

Now I can see their point. I mean if that Christmas photo of me made it into print I would be mortified. I looked, well ... old ... and the snapper had somehow managed to amplify the baby bump under my shirt that was the result of way too many rum balls.

Some say the camera doesn’t lie, but in this case I reckon it bent the truth.

Maybe it was just the wrong angle or the light? If you’re a Seinfeld fan you may already be thinking about that episode in which Jerry has a new girlfriend who looks terrific at certain angles and in a particular light, but at other times she appears, well, spooky.

It gives Jerry the creeps.

From now on, if I am having my photo taken I think I will choose optimal lighting and a flattering angle, if I can find one. When I contribute a piece of writing or appear at a literary festival or any other event they often ask for a high-res image for publicity purposes, and luckily I have a few that my photographic colleagues have taken. In fact, I am still using photos that were taken some time ago.

And while they may be out of date, at least I looked okay 10 years ago, or so I tell myself. I’m just waiting to turn up and have someone say: “You don’t look nearly as good as your photo.”

The portrait shot on my media pass is 20 years old, but I’m sticking with it too, even though I may be regarded as an impostor if I present it.

Now, after that awful silly season photo, I will be carefully managing all future photography. And in the meantime I will avoid mirrors.