Housemates and hip replacements:
A share house at 70? Welcome to a grown-up version of what many of us experienced in our youth, but these enterprising seniors are doing it for entirely different reasons, writes Samantha Trenoweth.
a novel and smart way to retire with your best mates
The most famous share house of all was probably the Manhattan apartment in the sit-com, Friends. There, six twentysomethings took on life’s challenges (surrogate pregnancy, rainbow co-parenting, a smelly cat) and mostly won. They, however, had nothing on this group of real-life friends. Meet Judy and Michael Hollingworth,
Rick and Heather Bolstler, Eve Grzybowski and Daniel Weinstein: three couples who rebelled against standard models of ageing and built a retirement-ready share house near Taree on the NSW mid North Coast.
“We didn’t want to be lonely when we were old,” Heather, 70, begins. “We didn’t want to lose a partner and have no one. We didn’t want to go into a retirement village.”
The six friends (who hatched their plan decades ago during a shared summer holiday) always knew what they didn’t like about growing old. It took some years, however, to create a vision of what they did want their lives to look like after 60 and then to turn that vision into reality.
The vision that evolved was of a shared house in the country, though there were questions about how far that house should be from the nearest town, theatre, cafe or hospital, and how much the group could spend.
“The vision wasn’t always unanimous,” says 72-year-old Rick, a computer programmer, but any disagreements were ironed out over hours (and years) of talking. “We went into this knowing we needed consensus on every major decision.”
It was Judy’s idea that the group road-test the plan by renting a house in Sydney. Two years in a harbourside mansion (which none of them could have afforded individually) indicated that their dream just might work.
Judy and Michael’s son was 18 and moved to the share-house with them. At the time, he refused to invite friends over to “this house of freaks”, but now even he admits the experiment was a success. “He’s proud to be part of a family that comes up with interesting ways of doing things,” Judy says.
In 2003, the group bought a couple of hectares among rolling hills, just a stone’s throw from the Manning River and a five-minute drive from the sea.
“We came up to look at the property,” says software and web designer Daniel, 68. “Then we went to Manning Point and took a walk on the beach. The sun was setting and there was a pod of dolphins in the waves. In the car on the way home, Judy called the real estate agent and made an offer that was massively below their asking price, but they accepted it.”
“They understood that you don’t say no to Judy,” Michael, 73, a one-time journalist, translator and business coach grins.
If there was a “Monica” in this house of friends, it would be 67-yearold Judy. A former CEO of a not-forprofit who now works in palliative and pastoral care, Judy is endowed with good sense and determination. “And you should see the plastic containers after she gets at them,” says Rick, laughing. “She qualifies as the neat freak as well.” Eve, 72, was born in the United States, but arrived in Australia in
1976 and quickly became one of this country’s most respected yoga teachers. Eve and Judy were the first of the group to meet – at a yoga class back in the late ’70s.
Heather and Rick (who hail from Canada) were the first to move up to the property, where they lived for months in a shed, overseeing construction of the dream house.
It’s a passive solar house, with solar panels for energy. It features an immense living/dining/kitchen area with wide picture windows looking out to bushland, fruit trees and garden beds. Each couple has a private apartment (bedroom, bathroom and study), a separate shelf in the library and a nook in the pantry. The rest of the space is shared. Stairs lead to the front door, but a ramp at the back allows wheelchair access.
They have already tested the ramp and the group dynamic in challenging physical circumstances. Both Judy and Eve have had hip operations, and Heather an ankle fusion, in recent years. In each instance, the share house triumphed.
“A big challenge with convalescence is boredom,” says Heather, “and it’s
I get so homesick when I’m away from this place now.
very difficult to get bored at our house. Someone will wander in for a chat, with an update, with a new book.
It’s good that the whole physical and psychological load doesn’t fall on one partner’s shoulders.”
“So many people of our generation have terrible memories of share housing in their 20s,” says Daniel, laughing, “but it’s a little different when you’re doing it in your 60s because most people are house-broken.”
“Another thing that works well,” says Michael, “is having dinner cooked for you five times out of six. We don’t have a roster – we’re pretty flexible and tolerant – but mostly we take it in turns. Keeping the house and grounds in order has worked out fairly equitably, too. Heather and Eve tend the flower gardens. Rick is a ferocious lawnmower. Judy loves growing vegetables. I’m more interested in bush regeneration and fruit trees.”
“We’re hoping that the trees fruit before we drop,” quips Eve.
On the subject of which, designing a house and lifestyle to last from 60 until last drinks has forced everyone to confront the relentlessness of ageing. The legalities around the death or departure of a member are covered in an “exit agreement”, which requires a departing member to offer their share of the property to the others first and, if that fails, to look for a mutually acceptable replacement.
“We’ve talked to our children,” Michael explains. “We’ve asked the heirs to back off as long as there are two members still standing. We can’t enforce that, but it’s in our wills and our offspring have verbally agreed.”
Should any of the group wish to die at home, Eve and Judy both say that they are “committed to looking after one another to the end”.
“These are such deep relationships,” Judy says, “deeper than I’ve had even with family. When the first of us has to go, either because they die or because it’s just not workable to live here anymore, it’s going to be devastating.”
The group is often asked the death question. A less common one is, have any couples been tempted to stray?
“Oh-o,” says Judy, laughing. “The juicy question so many must have and don’t ask. Do we swing? Or go to the wrong room? Or slip off inexplicably?”
The short answer is no. It’s never been an issue and, after 40 or more years of friendship, they don’t imagine it will be.
“I’ve not been at all inclined,” Judy says, smiling, “and I’ve not sensed a wish from any of the others to go there – either gender.”
Share housing is not for everyone. It requires a serious commitment to communication, but the rewards can be immense.
“The best move I ever made was getting these five people to come up here and live with me,” Rick says.
“I get so homesick when I’m away from this place now.”
“I wake up and listen to the birdsong,” says Judy. “There’s an incredible sunrise I can see from my bedroom window. Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life ... Living here with these five people has made me the person I always wanted to be.”