Your life: a happier you – the lost art of spontaneity
Our busy, modern-day lifestyle has robbed us of the joy of spontaneity. Melissa Field finds out why embracing the unplanned will feed your soul.
Can you recall the last time you did something completely spontaneously? For most of us, our days, weeks and months are scheduled to the nth degree, leaving little or no time to simply do something – anything – just because. “We’ve become addicted to busy-ness,” says clinical psychologist Danielle Maloney. “Busyness is almost directly attached to self-esteem. We live in a society that implicitly values this type of lifestyle and our self-worth has become contingent on whether or not we meet expectations.”
The fact that hyper-organisation has become our default setting has robbed us of the joy of spontaneity. Carpe diem feels like a luxury at best, or an impossibility in reality. But for the sake of our physical and emotional wellbeing, it’s worth learning to reconnect with the impromptu.
“As a society we don’t value novelty and spontaneity but I’d argue that they’re core emotional needs,” says wellbeing author and mindfulness coach Alison Nancye. “Abiding by ‘should’ all the time becomes increasingly mundane and dull, whereas spontaneity – whether it’s something life-changing or simply something fun – feeds the soul.”
There are physical and emotional benefits to spontaneity. “Being held hostage to ‘must’ can lead to burnout and increased stress. It can even lead to anxiety and depression,” says Danielle.
The statistics make for sobering reading. The Australian Psychological Society’s most recent Stress And Wellbeing survey (2015), found that 35 per cent of us report having “a significant level of distress in our lives,” and 26 per cent report having above normal anxiety and depression
symptoms. Of course, spontaneity isn’t the sole cure for our high rates of stress but reintroducing it into our lives could certainly go a long way towards reducing it.
Life-changing
For dietitian Kara Landau, 30, an impetuous decision proved to be a game changer. She gave up her settled life in Sydney to move to New York on a whim after she met a man there in September 2016. While she says she’s someone who “believes the world has a way of guiding you exactly where you’re meant to be”, uprooting her whole life to move across the world wasn’t part of her plan – until she met Irishman James Forkan. “I tend to follow my gut instinct but this was a huge decision. I didn’t really have any ‘I can’t do this’ voices but I did have reluctance from a career perspective to uproot. But then I asked myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen? Just give it a try.’”
Kara extended her initial holiday in New York by two weeks. She then returned to Sydney, wrapped up her life and moved in March. Nine months after they met, the couple are now engaged. “Moving to be with James was a totally spontaneous decision but it’s the best one I’ve ever made. From the moment we met he made me feel like the only woman in the room. I trusted my instinct and took the leap. I couldn’t be happier.”
Spontaneity isn’t just for young and free gen Yers, either. “It can have positive outcomes for everyone, even those of us most ruled by routine or the ‘shoulds’,” says Danielle.
Former fundraising manager turned shoe store owner Carol Haffke, 49, says she completely changed her life “in four hours” simply after a bad day at work six years ago. In November 2011, after a fundraising event she’d organised didn’t go as well as she’d hoped, she decided to walk away from the career she’d been in for a decade and open The Shoe Garden in Brisbane, a store specialising in “longer” sizes. Because she wears a size 44 shoe herself, Carol believed there was a market, but otherwise she’d never harboured any ambition to own a specialist shoe shop. “It was crazy. I had no retail experience. I didn’t know how to order stock, but when the idea literally popped into my head, it simply felt right and so I decided to go for it,” she explains.
Carol had to make some major sacrifices to realise her dream. Eleven days after she had the initial idea, she resigned from her secure and well-paid job and then sold her townhouse. Just five months later, in April 2012, she flipped the open sign on the store’s door. “I’ll never forget how I felt when I sold my first pair of shoes,” she recalls. “It was incredibly emotional. I felt relieved, proud – and exhilarated.”
Six years on, The Shoe Garden is thriving and Carol – who’s accompanied to work every day by her beloved Maltese, CC – cherishes helping her clientele and being her own boss. “My advice would be don’t fear spontaneity. Yes, it has been hard at times. I work six days a week and selling my home to fund the business was a huge sacrifice but I chose to back myself and go for it. Seeing this spontaneous decision through has taught me that
life begins outside the comfort zone – that’s where the magic happens.”
The art of spontaneity
Spontaneity isn’t just about the big, life-changing decisions. Simply opting to switch up the daily routine can have benefits too.
“I do spontaneous things all the time because it’s emotionally and physically invigorating,” says Alison. “I took my kids to the movies after school one day last week on a whim. I hopped on a surfboard for the first time in my forties because, why not? There will always be housework and chores and work, but those fun, ‘in the moment’ experiences make feel-good memories which are so valuable.”
So, in reality, how can we embrace spontaneity in the day-to-day?
Ironically, because many of us are so addicted to diarising our lives, we often need to plan spontaneity. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting aside some time free every day or week or month,” says stress management practitioner and time management coach Barbara Clifford. “For example, sometimes I set an alarm on my phone to go off five minutes before sunset. Then I’ll stop work, walk outside where I have a beautiful view of the horizon, breathe in the late afternoon air and watch the sun go down – just to switch up my day.
“What’s stopping you from booking an afternoon for yourself occasionally, where you just do whatever you feel in that time you’ve allocated yourself? Read a book, buy yourself a bunch of flowers you’ve never chosen before or take a different yoga class from the norm.”
Digital diet
If you think you’re lacking time to plan for spontaneity, a digital diet could help. “One of the first things I do with my clients is to help them adopt new methodology around email and social media time,” says Barbara. “For example, I suggest switching off email alerts because otherwise every time your phone or device pings, you’re distracted by it. It has a huge effect on your concentration and productivity. Setting times through the day to check emails claws back a lot of time through the day – time that can be used for spontaneous fun.”
Fear of spontaneity often stops us from doing something out of the ordinary, but Danielle says it’s possible to cope with the “can’t” voice. “Understand that there will be a level of anxiety or guilt initially, because you’re doing something different,” she says. “In order to deal with the anxiety or guilt, remind yourself that there will always be something you should be doing. However, if we want to live a life that is meaningful, fulfilling and purposeful, at times we need to throw caution to the wind, check in with our emotional self and forget about the shoulds. Even if it’s not always practical to seize the day, seize a moment.
You won’t regret it.”