HUMOUR: Amanda Blair’s paper paradise
Down with the “no junk mail” signs – the letterbox is a real treasure trove and every day’s a red letter day.
Iwas a little peeved the previous owners of my house had super-glued a sign saying “no” on the letterbox. One of the first things I did when receiving the keys to what was now my house was go to the toolbox and look for a suitable instrument to prise the metal adhesive sticker from what was now my letterbox.
Because, dear readers, I wanted to send a message to the new neighbours, the postal delivery people, my children and mere passersby that all were welcome here. That I was accepting, receptive to new ideas and open to suggestions, that this household didn’t discriminate. All mail was good mail and from where I sat, there was nothing junky about junk mail.
For mine, one of the greatest pleasures in life is going to the letterbox and seeing it stuffed full with brochures which provide a window to the magnificent specials and half-price sales currently available in my local area. Like secret love letters I clasp them to my chest, rush inside, put the kettle on and find a quiet space where I can read them from front to back.
I’m not sure which ones make me happiest although I’d be embarrassed if I calculated the hours I’ve spent poring over various meat and grocery specials whilst wondering how the photographer makes a one kilo mound of chuck steak look so delicious. Is it the oversized parsley garnish they recycle onto every dish? It seems to have a way of making the meat blush pink like a spring bride.
But for pure unadulterated pleasure I’d lean towards ones from outdoor adventure stores. They always have the greatest savings on items I’d never really considered purchasing but now the eight-man tent fitted with the weather-tech system, pre-tied guy ropes and circle ventilation (gasp) is in front of me on shiny paper, I want it IMMEDIATELY as it’s the piece of the jigsaw puzzle my life’s been missing. The fact it takes less than two minutes to set the frame up is an added bonus and as I read on I’m fascinated to learn the temperature is five degrees cooler inside the tent due to a 95 per cent reduction in daylight and the kids will therefore go to bed earlier and sleep longer. What’s not to like?
Of course I’ll need the gear to go with this new hobby so I turn the pages to the apparel section where my eyes are immediately drawn to the clothing I will be wearing now that
I’m the outdoorsy type. Inner-wear, outer-wear detachable pants and rain repellent skins and all in fabrics that reek of adventure – glacier fleece, Gortex, polypropylene.
I put them on my list of things to pick up in-store along with the appropriate footwear. The catalogue suggests I need boots with grip and if I’m really going to scale the heights I’ll need crampons. Well, of course I’ll need them because, like Maria von Trapp, I’m climbing every mountain, fording every stream, following every highway, till I find my dream.
But I’ve found my dream haven’t
I, in this catalogue and all the others that now come straight to my door. Dreams of camping and activity-based recreational pursuits, of comfortable footwear specials, homewares and bed linen, sporting equipment, international travel and weekly supermarket bargains … I’m excited and there’s no rain check available on this level of excitement.