Kindest lesson for kids
WHEN CHILDREN FEEL SAFE THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO LEARN, WRITES
IS it ever OK to punish our children? Discipline and punishment are quite different.
Discipline is teaching our children, while punishment is hurting them. There are a range of things we can do to really “teach” rather than hurt. But despite these strategies, there are still situations where children struggle to do the right thing.
You’ll explain things again and again. You’ll be understanding and empathetic and try to see things through their eyes. You’ll leave it up to them. No result. Backchat, laziness, and issues remain. What’s the answer now?
No child wakes up in the morning with a commitment to make life hell for everyone in the house that day. Even though it may not seem like it some days, most kids really do want to have good relationships and a happy day. If your child is being difficult, then consider the following possible explanations.
First, think about your timing. If you keep asking your children to do things at times that do not work for them then you’ll get resistance. They may be in the middle of playing. (This is important, despite you feeling it’s trivial.) They could be tired. There may be any number of other reasons your timing is impacting on their willingness to respond.
This means you’re dealing with an issue around control and autonomy. No one likes being told what to do all the time.
And let’s be real for a minute. Most of our interactions with our children consist of us telling them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We are constantly correcting and directing.
Do they need to do stuff? Absolutely. But it can help when we allow some flexibility (where possible) around the timing or even the tasks that need to be completed.
Second, consider your tone. Are you speaking kindly? Or are you speaking in a way that would make anyone want to get away from you? If we’re getting frustrated it shows in our voice. So speak softly, make eye contact, and be simple, clear, and direct.
Third, is what you are asking reasonable? Sometimes we ask more of our children than they can manage. Perhaps they need to tidy their room but it’s so messy they’re overwhelmed.
Maybe you asked them to feed the dog or run some rubbish to the bin but it’s dark outside and they’re scared. This means there may be some kind of competence or mastery issue. While it’s true we shouldn’t be doing things for our children they can competently do for themselves, there are times when this rule needs to be broken.
It might mean spoonfeeding your five-year-old because she’s too tired to do it herself. It could mean helping your 11-year-old tidy his room because it’s such a mess he doesn’t know where to start. If you’re still getting no joy, surely consequences and punishments are OK? Here’s what I do in my home.
Me: Kids, get off the screens now. It’s time to get ready for bed. Kids: Dad, we just need a few more minutes.
Me: I gave you your 10-minute warning 12 minutes ago. And I gave you a five-minute warning as well. Would you like to turn off the screen, or would you like me to do it? And then I stand there and count (in my head) to 10. If I don’t get a response; Me: Did you not hear me or are you still thinking about it?
Kids: (keep staring at screen)
Me: OK. Time’s up. I turn off the screens. They whinge and moan. I stand firm. They go to bed. I hold on to the devices until the next day.
Do we need to punish our children? Do they need consequences? Sometimes they need to be removed from where they are for the safety and wellbeing of others. Sometimes that might feel like a punishment. But if we explain why we’re doing it, and then, once things have calmed down, if we explore what’s going on for them, and then we empower them to make better decisions in the future, we’ll typically 1. EMPOWER
Dr Justin Coulson’s book,
is available online and in bookshops.
find they’ll do better than if we hurt them to “teach them a lesson”.
When our children feel safe from anger and punishment – even when they get things wrong – they can trust we are there for them. They’ll be more likely to learn from their errors and poor decisions when they feel they can come to us and talk with us … be empowered by us. Children need to know it’s OK to make mistakes, so long as they learn to be better in future. The “consequences” of behaving in challenging ways should not typically hurt. They should, instead, revolve around teaching and learning to be better next time. And that is entirely up to us.