Learning to take control
LEARNING SELF-DISCIPLINE MAY BE THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY LIFE, WRITES DR JUSTIN COULSON
Self-discipline may be a key to a successful and happy life. There are processes parents and carers can n put in place to teach children selfcontrol.
YOU’VE probably heard of the 1960s marshmallow experiment. A researcher sat four year olds in front of a table with a marshmallow on a plate and said: “I can give this to you now, or if you wait, I’ll go out of the room.
“When I come back, if you haven’t eaten the marshmallow I’ll give you another one. So if you can wait, you can have two. But if you don’t wait for me, you only get the one.”
What would your fouryear-old do? Eat the marshmallow? Or wait? What would you do?
The researcher found that self-control in the marshmallow experiment predicted, among other things, those kids’ later high school and career success. Other research shows self-control predicts success, family stability, physical health and even happiness.
Lack of self-control is associated with using alcohol and drugs, unemployment and even jail.
How much self-control does your child show?
Would you agree with the following statements about your child – my child is persistent in activities; thinks ahead; is attentive; is able to concentrate; thinks before speaking and responds to reason.
If you have answered “yes” to these statements then your child is probably already high on self-control.
But what about these statements? My child is stubborn; unable to delay gratification; tends to go to pieces under stress; overreacts to minor frustrations and becomes anxious when the environment is unpredictable. If you have answered “yes” to these statements then your child is likely to be lower on self-control.
Now for the good news. We now know, from decades of studies, that self-control is malleable. Some people have high self-control from an early age. Some people become more self-controlled as they mature. And most importantly, most people, regardless of their baseline level of self-control, can be taught to exercise greater control. Here are ways to help your kids develop more self-control:
TALK ABOUT IT
At the dinner table describe what self-control is and share examples of when you’ve shown self-control. Talk about how it helped you be a better mum or dad, or worker, or boss. Then ask your kids to talk about how they showed selfcontrol that day.
DECIDE OUT OF THE SITUATION
We call this making cold, rather than hot, decisions. It means we decide that we will not be eating dessert at breakfast or lunchtime, rather than as we finish our main meal and see the chocolate cake. Help children make decisions about kindness to siblings, social media, gaming or any other issue when emotions are cool rather than during the heat of battle.
3. GIVE REMINDERS
If your child is about to lose control, gently remind him or her to think of a way to stay calm and make wise choices.
AVOID REWARDS
If we reward self-control, children will start to think it’s only worth being controlled if they can get a goodie. We want them to recognise why it matters and make their own decisions.
WAIT
When you or your child really wants something, talk about whether it might be a good idea to wait. Whether it’s sneaking a treat, checking social media or hitting a sibling, encourage them to wait 10 minutes and see if it’s still something they feel they must do.
PLAY SELF-CONTROL GAMES
Games like “freeze”, “sleeping lions” or “red light, green light” require a child to follow instructions, listen, be controlled and make changes.
7. BE AN EXAMPLE
If you’re lacking in self-control your child will learn from you. This is especially important when we respond to our children’s big emotions. If we respond with disapproval or dismissal to our children, we show less control than when we turn towards them with compassion and kindness. Our child’s life outcomes are found in the way we teach them to make wise decisions – even when they don’t really want to.