Angel gone, not forgotten
CAIRNS JOURNALIST KYLIE O’BRIEN TRAGICALLY LOST HER FIRST DAUGHTER. SHE SHARES HER JOURNEY FROM LOSS TO A NEW BEGINNING
MY little girl will be three years old in March.
I often wonder who she’s like – me, her daddy or a bit of both.
When she was born she had long legs like her daddy but her button nose was mine. She had one eye open and the other closed as if she had given me a wink.
March 4, 2015, is etched in my memory. I remember every detail about that day as I left work for my 20-week morphology scan. My colleague had said with a smile, “you’re starting to show now”.
At the hospital, I told the sonographer I didn’t want to know our baby’s gender as I wanted it to be a surprise. We could see our baby on the screen and waited for her to explain what we were seeing, but instead, she touched my hand and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t find a heartbeat”.
It was surreal for me, even though my husband was sobbing inconsolably beside me.
What happens now? Surely I don’t have to deliver a dead baby?
We had an agonising wait at the hospital to see the head of obstetrics where I was induced and sent home to return the next morning.
I had no idea what to expect, but what was to unfold I could never have imagined.
That night I had cramping in my tummy but not enough pain to take a painkiller, so I went to bed but as the night wore on, I became more uncomfortable, pacing the house trying to find relief.
About four hours later I took a painkiller but couldn’t keep it down. An hour later I took another, but I brought that up too. I rang the birthing suite and the nurse suggested I make my way in. It was now 4am and I woke my husband to tell him what was happening. My husband timed my contractions and they were 30 seconds apart.
As we were leaving the house, I said, “Hang on, I’ve got to go to the toilet!” and unbeknown to me I gave birth to our 600g baby girl.
I took her fragile body and cradled her in the palm of my hands as my husband wept. It was a bittersweet moment.
The ambulance took us to hospital where we stayed for a few hours, named our baby Kelly Sheree, spent time with her and were discharged with empty arms.
It was a harrowing experience because you don’t ever think of yourself as one of the statistics. I attended a support group and saw a psychologist.
A bit over a year later we decided to try again and I fell pregnant.
I wasn’t sick with either of my pregnancies. The only thing I had to contend with was my Type 1 diabetes which was well managed.
The only thing different this time was I saw a private obstetrician who monitored me closely.
I attended an appointment with my obstetrician on January 9, this year, and my blood pressure was high. I was sent to hospital.
I developed pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, a life-threatening pregnancy complication. I was feeling quite sick and as the days rolled over my baby was becoming distressed, so my obstetrician made a decision to deliver our baby via cesarean on January 12.
Chanel Kathleen was born six weeks early, not long after my 34th birthday.
On arrival, Chanel had trouble breathing. Once the team of experts worked their magic to stabilise her, she was taken to the Special Care Baby Unit where she stayed for a week. I continued to have high blood pressure but after being in hospital for a month, we both finally got to go home.
A month later I suffered from perinatal depression and anxiety. It did not affect my rapport with my baby, but it was more of an identity realisation that I was now a mother. But with the help of my doctor and psychologist I am now enjoying motherhood. My own mother was my saviour and telephone conversations with PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia), I was able to emerge from the depths of depression.
Nine months on and our little girl will soon turn one and I love being her mother.
There were no answers as to why we lost Kelly. It was just one of those things, apparently. Chanel is in our arms and Kelly is in our hearts.
WE COULD SEE OUR BABY ON THE SCREEN AND WAITED FOR HER TO EXPLAIN WHAT WE WERE SEEING, BUT INSTEAD, SHE TOUCHED MY HAND AND SAID, “I’M SORRY, BUT I CAN’T FIND A HEARTBEAT”. KYLIE O’BRIEN