Saying farewell can be the hardest thing
FAREWELLING A BELOVED PET CAN BE TRAUMATIC BUT IT CAN ALSO PROVIDE SOME VALUABLE LESSONS, WRITES
There’s something innocent and beautiful about watching friendship and love grow between a child and their pet. A dog or a cat can offer an unshakeable bond and act as a confidante in a young life. But what happens when that tie is broken, when a child is forced to say goodbye to his furry friend. Farwelling a beloved pet can be traumatic but it can also provide some valuable lessons.
THERE’S something innocent and beautiful about watching friendship and love grow between a child and their pet.
A dog or cat in particular can offer an unshakeable bond and act as a confidante in a young life. But what happens when that tie is broken, when a child is forced to say goodbye to his furry friend?
Experts agree the benefits of owning a pet – responsibility, love, loyalty and companionship – far outweigh the sadness when a pet is lost. It is true a pet can teach a child a lot about love, loss and mortality.
“For many children, the loss of a pet can be their first experience of death,” says Nicola Palfrey, director at the Australian Child and Adolescent Trauma, Grief and Loss Network at the Australian National University.
“Children will react differently according to their age and developmental stage. But what is imperative at every stage is to be open, communicate and be there to talk when your child needs to.”
Palfrey says not all children will respond to the death of a pet in the same way, and that’s largely due to their age and what they understand about death.
A toddler will not necessarily understand the permanence of death, she says, and may keep asking when their pet is coming back.
They will, however, be affected by the grief felt by other members of the family and may feel confused by it.
By mid-primary school, children will understand more about death and as a result be affected to a greater extent when a family pet dies. If it’s their first experience of death, the event can bring up the notion of permanence and they may start to wonder, “Who will die next?”
Palfrey says this group needs straightforward basic information without any sugarcoating and advises parents to avoid using terms such as “going to sleep” or “going away” which can only lead to confusion. Adolescents can be the worst affected as they genuinely understand what death means.
“Adolescents are a difficult group to simplify, with them it’s a wait-and-watch situation,” Palfrey says.
“Pets can be really significant for this age group, they may have been around the whole of their life and may have been a trusted confidant.
“The problem with them can be that they may feel embarrassed to show their emotions about the death of their pet. The best thing a parent can do here is reassure them it’s perfectly fine to feel sad and it’s not silly.
“Also, don’t try to hide your emotions from them, if you feel sad, they need to see it’s
IF THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK, YOU MAY WANT TO BRING UP THE SUBJECT IN DIFFERENT WAYS; ‘GEE IT’S SAD DOGGIE DOESN’T GREET US WHEN WE GET HOME OR KITTY ISN’T LYING IN HER USUAL SUNNY SPOT’. NICOLA PALFREY
OK to express this.
“If they don’t want to talk, you may want to bring up the subject in different ways; ‘Gee it’s sad doggie doesn’t greet us when we get home or kitty isn’t lying in her usual sunny spot’.”
Georgina Manning, a counsellor and psychotherapist from Wellbeing For Kids, says a great way to get children and adolescents to talk about their feeling about a loss is through a process called “reflective listening”.
“This technique is about just being there with your child and hearing how they are feeling without jumping in and giving advice, telling them how they should feel or trying to solve the problem for them.
For example, if a child starts to cry and says how much they miss their cat and wants them back, we can reflect back leaving our own thoughts, opinions
and advice aside and just summarise what they have just said: ‘You are really missing Peppie our cat and feel sad without her’.”
One of the big questions families face when they have lost a pet is when to get a new one. Experts agree there’s no right or wrong answer here, but getting one too soon and “replacing” the pet that has passed may stop children experiencing the painful but important grief process in its entirety.
Manning says each family will know when the time is right and keeping the lines of communication open is a good approach.
“When your family is ready to get a new pet, it can be helpful to get one that looks different and has a different name to the pet that has died so children don’t feel like the pet has been “replaced,” she says.
While the benefits of a pet’s love and companionship are obvious, research has also been done into the many physical benefits of owning a pet.
Growing up with a pet, and in particular a dog, can help to strengthen the immune system and lessen the risk of allergies, the RSPCA reported.
There are also many psychological benefits.
One study showed schoolchildren who own a pet were more likely to be empathetic, have higher self-esteem and a more positive outlook on life.
Belinda Hay believes pets are an important part of childhood and has always had several pets for daughters Lily, 11, and Ella, 9. They have two dogs now, Sammy a miniature poodle-cross-maltese and Lulu, a pug.
Recently they had to face the possibility of losing Sammy due to a severe infection.
“We have had lots of pets who have died – birds, lizards, a frog, fish and even an axolotl,” Hay says. “But recently Sammy had her vaccination and got really sick. We took her to the vet and she just wasn’t responding to any treatment so I had to talk to the girls about Sammy potentially dying. I told them the vet may not be able to fix Sammy and if he can’t we will need to put her down. I explained that our pets can’t talk to us and tell us they’re sick but that doesn’t mean they’re not suffering.
“In the end Sammy pulled through, so it was all good. But I think the whole process teaches them a valuable life lesson, that life isn’t always perfect and sometimes we have to experience sad things.
“At the end of the day I think the unconditional love and companionship that comes with owning a pet far outweighs losing them.”