Take pride in sartorial missteps
FASHION faux-pas? I’ve had a few. At one time I fancied myself in burgundy velvet knickerbockers with a white body shirt and long white socks.
I once had a black elastic cinchbelt that made me look like a Barbie doll that was about to be sawn in half.
And there was the outfit my mum made me wear on the first day of year five – a brown velour “leisure suit” with an Adidas stripe and white logo.
As a child of the 1980s, I’ve worn it all: ruffled ra-ra-skirts, leg warmers and shoulder pads two sizes bigger than my shoulders. Pooh-catcher trackies, high-heeled sneakers and double chambray denim.
Come to think of it, the 1970s also brought some special fashion moments. Think tight terry-towelling shorts with a T-shirt tucked in; denim flares teamed with a crop top despite the fact I had nothing to hold it up; matching skirt and vest combos in arresting shades of caramel and brown.
I think fondly about some of my own “worst-dressed” moments at Oscars time each year when fashionistas sharpen their fangs and get nasty.
This year they attacked Salma Hayek for wearing a pale purple lace dress with ruffles. OK, so it did look a bit like something that would sit on top of your loo and cover the extra roll of toilet paper … but so what?
It’s not as bad as my mint taffeta formal dress that looked as if I was sitting in a kids’ wading pool of green jelly. Or the school formal taffeta horror with a purple horseshow rosette on one shoulder.
Others to fall foul of the fashion police include actor Violet Davis who apparently “drowned in hot pink” and Maya Rudolph whose crime was a “baggy” red dress.
Those who meet the “worstdressed” criteria no doubt draw little comfort from the fact their crimes will be recycled for years in endless online “hit and miss” parades.
One online little frock of horrors offers 50 examples including Angelina in her vampire days, Anna Paquin who was only 11 and wore a beanie and Bjork and her stuffed swan. There’s also Celine Dion and her backwards all-white jacket ensemble and the time Gwyneth Paltrow passed on both a stylist and a bra.
Some, like Gwyneth’s effort, were justified, but others seem downright mean. One actor I’d never heard of was slated for wearing a pale green dress that apparently clashed with her red hair. Ouch. Nasty.
It’s the same impulse that draws gossip writer Perez Hilton to caption a red-carpet shot of Girls actor Lena Dunham with: “At least she’s trying.”
Also making the shame file was Rita Moreno, who was wearing the same gown she wore in 1962 when she won best supporting actress for her role in West Side Story. I can’t even fit into a dress I bought last week, so I think that’s a pretty good effort.
It feels a bit mean to keep on picking on women who had the misfortune to put a step wrong 20 years ago, like Kate Winslet who wore a pink taffeta in 1996. Didn’t everyone look like that back then? Such outfits aren’t awful, just dated.
For the record, I can’t say the same about most of the truly awful outfits I wore in the last millennium.
Funnily enough, some of the really odd gowns worn at the Oscars by younger women were praised, not panned by fashion experts. Those who appeared to have forgotten to put on their dresses and just wore their bras and undies were on the best-dressed lists. And so was one of those Jenner/Kardashians who looked as if she had attached large bat wings to her shoulders.
I think it’s time we all embraced our fashion disasters.
I love the way Sunrise’s Samantha Armytage celebrated International Women’s Day with a flashback snap of her and some friends getting ready to go out three decades ago.
“Here’s to female friendships that last through the decades!!! And survive bad hairdos, fashion choices, many secrets & photo trains #loveyougirls,” Sam wrote.
She didn’t look that bad in a quite passable white singlet and skirt, but she’s previously shared a range of more dodgy choices such as a mid-1990s baggy “mum” jeans and a bright red Western shirt.
As someone who’s had more than 50 fashion disasters in my time, I am ready to reclaim every single one. Socks and roman sandals? Tick. Scrunchies in my permed hair? Tick.
Let’s reclaim all the fashions we’ve loved to hate over the years: the good, the bad and the terrible.
FUNNILY ENOUGH, SOME OF THE REALLY ODD GOWNS WORN AT THE OSCARS BY YOUNGER WOMEN WERE PRAISED, NOT PANNED BY FASHION EXPERTS