Badgelor frolics among sheilas
THERE is a new species in the Australian wilderness.
It’s a brilliant breed of upright Honey Badger and its scientific name is Badgelor Nickus Cumminus.
A superb example of his genus, the Badgelor is easily identifiable thanks to his luxurious curly mane and hairy outcrop on his upper lip, known as a “porn star mo”.
Like many other males of the species, he likes to shed his winter coat – and every other piece of clothing at every opportunity he gets.
Hearing the siren call from Channel 10 producers, the Badgelor left his native habitat of Port Macquarie in search of greener pastures called the Bachelor Mansion.
At this extremely fertile new location, he is expected to find a mate.
He will spend six weeks in the aquatic lair surrounded by an adoring harem of 25 prime female specimens, each more desirable than the last.
Among their ranks, the Badgelor will uncover a higher than average number of flight attendants and personal trainers and even a very rare “car care consultant” called Shannon.
Already the Badgelor is attracting widespread attention because of the sounds he makes, which are colloquially known as “prime-time strine”.
“I’m the flamin’ Bachelor,” he was heard to say upon his arrival at the mansion.
“I’m ready to strap on a bag of fruit and find a top-class sheila, a good sort and a cracking bird.”
It’s now up to the Badgelor to sift through the female offerings and find the most attractive. Will he choose the trolley dolly who invited him to jump aboard “Love Airways”?
Or perhaps Shannon, whose mating cry included: “I’m s… my dacks”?
There’s also Calya, whose idea of seduction was a 2kg crystal and Kayla, whose bid to attract his attention involved a dip in the pool.
This ruined her magnificent plumage and caused Cat to remark: “Oi, way to ruin a good dress, babe”.
This ancient fertility ritual has its origins in the fact that material is see-
through when wet, heightening her appeal to the opposite sex.
There’s also Brooke, whose mating call was more successful than some of the other contenders.
After telling the Badgelor she was a sports lover, she failed to identify he was a professional rugby player. But she was still given a rose.
The rose is a courtship symbol favoured by the Badgelor signifying, not so much eternal love as a willingness to cop a feel on the poolside love seat.
Vanessa Sunshine tried to seduce the Badgelor with a different form of courtship, telling the other females that: “When it comes to dating, you got to leave them wanting more. Don’t give it all away.”
The Badgelor seemed happy to keep her as far away as possible, but she got a rose too.
A more athletic approach was favoured by Dasha, a female with brilliant exotic plumage who executed a stunning mating dance rarely seen in the wild. It involved putting her ankles around the Badgelor’s neck and doing sit-ups on his body.
The Badgelor was very appreciative of her efforts. “I’ve got something a cattle dog couldn’t chew through,” he said afterwards.
It won’t be easy for the Badgelor to
find true love, or at least someone to go on some fake dates (see the female of the species, Sophus Monkus).
Complicating matters is the ruthless and rude nature of the females.
“I think she’s lying but I don’t care that much. I think Nick will think she’s a basic b…h,” said Susie (who’s already gone) to Kayla, or Vanessa to Cat, or Romy to Alisha.
In response to such fierce bids for his attention, the Badgelor produces his trademark call: “Yeah, yeah I s’pose, ha, ha, yeah it’s … ha ha”.
Although the Badgelor admits he’s “more scared then a bag of cats at a greyhound meet”, he is optimistic he will find his one true love.
Those who’ve already been ejected from this lovers’ lair are less than enthusiastic about this prime male find.
“I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this,” one said.
Watching on from the safety of their living rooms is a huge TV audience who can’t get enough of this unique male animal who says nice things like: “It’s about love and I would hate to hurt anyone’s feelings, it’s not my thing”.
Aaah, bless. The Badgelor is a rare specimen indeed. Let’s hope he chooses a lady friend worthy of him.