Don’t be the frightful parent
THIS year you won’t find me looking hot in a sexy handmaiden costume in order to make a statement about women’s lack of empowerment. I won’t be dusting off my “business-appropriate sense of humour” for the office Halloween party. And I won’t be subjecting my children’s Halloween outfits to a “cultural sensitivity index”.
No. For once I’m going to leave Halloween to the kids.
Here are five reasons why. You don’t want an office-based Halloween party: In a growing number of workplaces some HR hack thinks a Halloween party will be a great way to “generate positive energy”. I’m not buying it.
If you want positive energy, spike the coffee machine with vodka, don’t make a bunch of people who only spend hours together because they’re paid to do so dress up in silly costumes. Don’t make them play Pin the Spider on the Web at break time. Why not Pin the Pay Rise on the Person instead? Adults always look silly in Halloween costumes: The recent craze to make standard costumes sexy isn’t doing anyone any favours. Say no to Sexy Nemo, Sexy Pizza and Sexy Fluffy Rainbow Unicorn.
Also popular this year is a sexy wench costume from A Handmaid’s Tale showing lots of leg. It was pulled from shelves because it “wasn’t the bold statement of female empowerment it was meant to be”. (Surprise, surprise.)
If you can’t get out of it, keep it simple. Dress in grey and go as 50 Shades of Grey. Dress all in one colour and go as an M&M. Or wear brown and go as the pooh emoji.
You’re welcome. You’re bound to offend someone: There are many dos and don’ts for Halloween costumes. Outlawed are depictions of terrorists, cowboys and Indians, anything that mocks transgender and anything that has a cultural connotation.
Many places have outlawed Disney characters and even say no to Snow White. The latter is not because of the fear of offending snowflakes, but be- cause she’s apparently a white supremacist.
One account says “culturally insensitive costumes” are a form of “microaggression”. I thought microaggression was something a Buff Puff did to blackheads, but it’s a form of offence you give when you didn’t think you were causing offence.
Hope that doesn’t offend you. Adults don’t know when to stop: Trust me, your kids would probably prefer you don’t dress up to accompany them while trick-or-treating. You might think you look great as Olivia from Grease in very tight pants, or Homer Simpson with a fake hand down your shorts, but they’d prefer you keep your day clothes on.
It’s because some adults go overboard; one mum from the US has become a viral sensation by spending more than 40 hours crocheting costumes for her kids. Her son wanted a “Micky Mouse pizza” costume that didn’t exist, so she crocheted it by hand. Others take things so far that even their party food has a Halloween theme. They’ll make white chocolate balls that are meant to be used cotton tips (with caramel for wax) and put jam on white bread fingers to make them look like used Band Aids. It’s scary, but not in a good way. Feminists now want to get in on the act: Feminists are even now appropriating Halloween, with one account promising that it is possible to “make a powerful statement about slut-shaming while scantily clad”. I am sure it’s possible to be a completely humourless hypocrite too. Where’s the Halloween costume for that? Feminist costume ideas include “writing words like ‘slut’ and ‘asking for it’ on parts of your body”. Or “transpose household objects, food, or drinks on to your own body parts — for example, hamburger buns on your butt” to make a point about objectification. No, I didn’t make that up.
So, let’s leave Halloween to the kids. They leave their costumes to the last minute, often throwing on something they’ve worn before. They might go as Dead Harry Potter, a mass murderer with a fake knife, Freddy Kruger or even Where’s Wally left over from the Book Week parade.
They’ll then go trick or treating, consume their body weight in lollies and pass out well after bedtime on a sugar-induced high. Aaah, bliss. No sexy pizza, no sexy handmaidens, and definitely no microaggressions.
TRUST ME, YOUR KIDS WOULD PROBABLY PREFER YOU DON’T DRESS UP TO ACCOMPANY THEM WHILE TRICK-OR-TREATING