Let’s name our shame
SO BAD: Was your first email address cringe-worthy? MySpace and all those super-safe online chatrooms we were about to frequent.
The algorithm for an early ’00s tween email address was pretty straightforward: jam in the most symbols, underscores, numbers and sexual innuendo possible to boost your street cred.
Misspelling words that end in ‘s’ with a ‘z’ was in vogue, as was the always-hilarious “69” addition.
Soon everyone had their own email addresses and would flash them around like a fancy police badge at school.
“Hey, Alice, what’s your email address?”
“Sexybabe1103@hotmail. com, what’s yours?”
“Mine’s michael_rocks_the_ world@hotmail.com, I’ll MSN you after school today.” Cool. The email address that took my breath away belonged to a girl in my grade, Joan.
Joan was a total classroom catch: smart, funny, cool.
I always saw her with her socks pulled up high and ribbons in her hair. While that sort of straight-laced behaviour would usually warrant a good slap, the swagger with which Joan donned her apparel earned her a great deal of respect in the corridors.
But my admiration for Joan soon grew when I came across her email address: athotmale dotcom@hotmail.com.
I mean, could you get any more clever? The word play was on point and there wasn’t a shred of surfin_gurl67, josie _rockstar or boyteaser94 in sight. Friends, I was not a “Joan”. My first email address was condensed_milk58@hotmail. com.
I chose this because it was my favourite snack, and 58 came from five letters in my first name and the fact that eight was my favourite number.
Unfortunately, my supercool style didn’t seem to sit well with prospective employers.
Or, for that matter, elderly relatives I wrote condolence messages to following a family death.
Now, as I approach my 30s, I look back on this email and cringe – hard.
To make myself feel better, I asked my colleagues and friends what their first emails were.
You may want to do the same.
FIGHTING SEASON, FOXTEL NOW
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AUSTRALIA V INDIA, KAYO
The Australian cricket team will be looking to finally put the ball tampering drama to rest when they face off against India for the first summer Test series on Thursday.
THE MARVELOUS MRS MAISEL, AMAZON PRIME VIDEO
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A CHRISTMAS PRINCE: THE ROYAL WEDDING, NETFLIX
A year after Amber helped Richard secure the crown, they are set to tie the knot in a royal Christmas wedding. But their plans are jeopardised when Richard faces a political crisis.
NO ACTIVITY, STAN
The US version of this home-grown comedy is back as the cops in Car 27 sit around on a new stakeout. Patrick Brammall, Tim Meadows, Jake Johnson, Amy Sedaris and J.K. Simmons all return while Jessica Alba and Joe Manganiello headline the packed guest list.