Some loners aren’t lonely
SHYNESS AND INTROVERSION ARE DIFFERENT - KNOW WHEN IT’S A PROBLEM, WRITES PARENTING EXPERT JUSTIN COULSON
WORRIED about your introverted teen?
You might not need to be. Some parents worry about their “shy” teens. “How can I help them make friends?” they ask. Or: “I worry that they’re so often alone.’’
Some tell me that “she just doesn’t talk to anyone, she won’t open her mouth”.
Parents can be anxious about children who spend a lot of time alone.
They worry the isolation is indicative of depression or some other psychological risk. And they want their children to be able to join in, make friends and have fun.
But sometimes teens (and people generally), just prefer to be alone. And that should be OK.
SHYNESS VERSUS INTROVERSION
Being “shy” is not the same as being “introverted’’. The two can be confusing because they’re both related to socialising. But lack of interest in socialising is different to being fearful of it.
When someone is shy, they want to socialise but struggle with anxieties and worries that they may say or do something wrong or embarrassing.
On the other hand, introverts can choose to be social and interact with others, they just don’t always want to.
A popular theory is that introverts are sufficiently stimulated internally to not feel a need to search for conversation or interaction externally. Enough is going on inside them already.
They don’t feel a need to approach others and interact.
Those who are shy do feel that need.
They just fear it as well. Excessive shyness can lead to anxiety.
It can make it difficult to make friends and form relationships, and these people may feel isolated, lonely and depressed.
Shyness can also lead to cognitive problems – shy people may freeze up in conversations or have difficulty concentrating. Or they might appear stuck up in others.
All in all, shyness can be extremely difficult for teens.
But what about for introverts? or uninterested
THE PREFERENCE FOR SOLITUDE
Some teens who may appear shy are actually introverts. In one study, researchers looked at teens who were not shy, but simply preferred being alone much of the time. They dubbed this the “preference for solitude” personality type.
The researchers wondered if the typical risks associated with isolation that stemmed from extreme shyness (or other social avoidance) were the same for teens who simply preferred solitude.
And the answer was surprising. Yes, there were negative outcomes, but these disappeared as the teen years progressed.
The study compared a group of 8th-grade kids and a group of 12th-grade kids. And they found that with the younger group, preference for solitude was associated with greater anxiety and depression, as well as lower self-esteem. But, interestingly, these associations completely disappeared in the older group.
Why is that?
Younger kids may be less able to distance themselves from a group when they need solitude. Instead, they have to seek that solitude within the group, which might make them look weird or unfriendly.
By the time the kids are older, they have more autonomy and more ability to find their own solitude as they need it.
Or it might just be that kids are more focused on friends during the younger teen years.
They haven’t yet found their tribe and are much more concerned with being popular and belonging to cliques.
It’s important to take stock of our kids’ personalities.
Are they avoiding socialisation because they prefer time on their own (introversion) or are they desperately craving social interactions but anxious about getting out there (shyness)?
If they do simply crave time alone, be accepting and supportive. At least one-third of the people on this planet are introverts. It’s normal.
But, as young introverted teens, they may still struggle with the desire to belong while also having sufficient time to be alone.
If you see your teen is quiet, talk to them to understand if they’re “worried” about being with people or if they simply prefer alone time.
Make sure to talk about any negative comments or peer pressure that might come up as well.
Teach your other family members and close friends (especially extroverted ones) about how to deal with and respect solitude.
Talk to your teens about how to make real connections with people.
Introverts want and need friends – but they may find it difficult to socialise with just anyone.
If they’re shy, work together to find comfortable ways to facilitate positive interactions.
Get professional help if your child needs skill development to better work with people.
Most important of all, help them know that you see them.
Introverts are often underestimated because they may be quiet.
As parents, you are in a unique position to see the great things your teen is and does. Invite their input.
Engage them in conversation and activity. Encourage them to participate in living a whole, balanced life.
For most of us, this won’t be a worry.
Our kids are either sufficiently outgoing that we’re not concerned, or we’re comfortable with them developing socially on their own timetable.
For those of us who are challenged by a quiet child, be involved. Be patient. And don’t make them feel lousy about it.
Just be engaged and engaging and encourage them to participate in life with you.