Working through the darkness
DEPRESSION CAN STRIKE CHILDREN AS WELL AS ADULTS, BUT THEY NEED A DIFFERENT KIND OF SUPPORT, WRITES PARENTING EXPERT DR JUSTIN COULSON
ELI is eight years old.
He has been diagnosed with depression. And, like it is for anyone with this diagnosis, depression is a daily battle for Eli.
His father is essentially absent. His single mother is singlehandedly raising three children, working full-time and trying to do the impossible: stay calm and level while doing it all.
Eli’s mum asked me, “How do I help my son?” She described his outbursts of anger, frustration and profound sadness.
She highlighted their communication problems – “he doesn’t talk to me”. She cried about his friendship issues.
“Other eight-year-olds don’t know how to interact with a depressed kid,” she said.
She desperately wants to help him but doesn’t know how.
Dealing with depression in our children is confronting.
It stretches parents in ways that they did not know they could be stretched. And for a parent, seeing their child suffering may be the hardest trial we can endure.
Coping with the emotional burden is substantial. But the physical and economic realities that co-occur with a challenge like Eli’s are enormous too.
There’s the extra supervision, the time away from work, the exhaustion (mentally and physically) and the financial cost of finding help.
If you suspect your child might be depressed, here are some steps you can take.
Seek professional help
First, visit a GP. Your doctor is not a psychologist but she (or he) can direct you to the right help – and provide you with access to a government-subsidised mental health plan.
It’s important that you find a mental health professional (typically a psychologist) whose specialty is depression in childhood. I usually (but not always) recommend a clinical psychologist for this specific issue.
A good GP – and a good psychologist – will also check in with you to make sure you’re doing OK, and to provide you with the support you might need as you work through these challenges.
Don’t ignore the problem. Get support.
IF YOUR CHILD HAD ASTHMA AND COULDN’T BREATHE, YOU WOULDN’T TELL HIM TO “GET OVER IT”, “THINK POSITIVE” OR
ASSURE HIM THAT “YOU’LL BE RIGHT”. YOU WOULD GET HELP. WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS DEPRESSION, TOUGH LOVE IS UNLIKELY TO BE HELPFUL. NOR IS “POSITIVE THINKING”.
Emotional support
If your child had asthma and couldn’t breathe, you wouldn’t tell him to “get over it”, “think positive” or assure him that “you’ll be right”. You would get help.
When your child has depression, tough love is unlikely to be helpful. Nor is “positive thinking”. Such statements will usually leave your child feeling unworthy, unsupported, misunderstood and unloved.
So what do you do to provide emotional support?
First, accept what is going on. Don’t try to “change” your child. Don’t try to talk them out of their sadness.
The emphasis on sadness will only exacerbate it – and add to their feelings of not being good enough.
Demanding they shape up and shift their attitude (which is