A guidebook for being a royal
THE royal family may have been busy in lockdown what with calling the bingo numbers (Kate and Will), nation-building speeches (The Queen) and personally fighting off coronavirus (Prince Charles) but there’s one task it’s time they put their minds to.
Compiling a guidebook for new entrants to the House of Windsor.
Anywhere else you get a job description and conditions of employment when starting a new role but if recent experience is anything to go by, it would seem those entering the royal family are expected to pick it up as they go along.
How else to explain the dissension over tights and tiaras, Harry and Meghan throwing in the towel and not one, but two royal wives taking legal action against the press. With no ribbons to cut or hands to shake perhaps the royals could use their time out of the limelight to contribute to a group Google Doc outlining tips for new incumbents.
A lesser royal, say Princess Beatrice – currently relieved of wedding planning duties, could run off the document on the photocopier and be charged with distributing it to anyone even merely thinking of asking a royal on a date. And because many hands make light work, here’s a few inclubourg sions from yours truly …
• Do not marry any of the top seven heirs to the British throne. Bad luck if you already have but if you’re circling, or have found yourself in proximity to an eligible royal, make sure they are suitably distanced from the top job. This ensures you get the perks but don’t actually have to do any of the hand shaking/charity spruiking/opera attending that befalls the main players. Note that the Queen’s grandson Peter Phillips and his mates had been enjoying a shooting weekend at Sandringham before Prince Harry was summoned to a meeting on the Monday to discuss his and Meghan’s exit from royal duties. How he must have wished he had his cousin’s freedoms. Alternatively, go European. Luxemhas four dashing princes, two of whom are currently up for grabs.
• From the get-go engage a public relations expert who has worked for the press. It’s astonishing that so many royals rely on under-skilled and seemingly over-promoted spin doctors and damage limitation “experts” to advise them. You want someone who’s experienced the rough and tumble of newsrooms or politics which is why British Prime Ministers David Cameron and Tony Blair both hired former Fleet Street journalists. Indeed, it was Blair’s right-hand-man, Alistair Campbell, who guided the royal family through the aftermath of Princess Diana’s death, dubbing her the “People’s Princess” and suggesting to the Queen that she refer to herself “as a grandmother” in her speech. Note Prince Andrew’s chief spin doctor, the Westminster-savvy Jason Stein, quit after strongly advising him against doing last year’s disastrous interview with the BBC.
• Be good at something in your own right. See Mike Tindall (rugby), Eugenie’s husband Jack Brooksbank (tequila boss) and Beatrice’s fiance Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi (property tycoon). Obviously acting is a good training ground (Princess Grace of Monaco/ Meghan Markle) though the day job rather restricts your range.
• Do not agree to colluding on a biography because it never ends well. Prince Charles’s confession of his affair with Camilla overshadowed everything else in Jonathan Dimbleby’s biography while Princess Diana’s secret tape recordings for Diana: Her True Story eroded the monarchy’s mystique and left it a weeping sore. There are murmurings that Harry and Meghan have endorsed their friends talking to the authors of the forthcoming Finding Freedom, the most appalling title for a tome about two very wealthy and privileged people exchanging one posh house for another. Also, Nemo.
• Be nice to the staff. They’re more prone to leaking than a 15th century castle after a rain shower.
• Finally, if you can’t be an obedient royal be a memorable one and make like Princess Margaret by wearing tiaras in the bath, starting the day with vodka and insulting whoever you like. As she told Grace Kelly: “You don’t look like a movie star.”
• Oh, and don’t fret too much if you stuff it up. They used to behead you; now they just remove your HRH which is a mouthful of a moniker anyway.