Your roadmap to the bogansphere
WELCOME to the bogansphere. It is the place where you can check out, as often as you want, but it never leaves.
◗ BOGANSPHERE: Place where Australia’s intelligence takes holidays.
◗ AUSTRALIA: Country that goes to bat for drug smugglers, idiots who can’t read visa rules etc. However, victim must seem like a victim, not seem stupid or evil. Cuteness is a positive. If seemingly criminal, must have a family who knows they are innocent. Must be innocent – of course they’re innocent, they’re Aussies.
◗ CUSHY LIFESTYLE: Something that is definitely not related to the income family members receive for TV and magazine appearances.
◗ CORBY BLIMEY: OMG, it’s another micro-revelation from Australia’s first citizens of the Bogansphere.
◗ MERCEDES: Device for keeping the media’s engines ticking over.
◗ CONVOY: Concealment and diffusion device. Some convoys are made up of one Mercedes after another identical Mercedes. Then they disperse – but it’s okay, these are only cars.
◗ BOGANS: Team players on social media who fan the flames for their idle, sorry, idol. ◗ GABLE TOSTEE: Man who thinks he’s a perfect match for Schapelle. My best wishes to you both.
◗ HOTEL SUITE: Hangout for a person who has no job and has just been in jail or detention for decades.
◗ CHEQUEBOOK JOURNALISM: What every other media outlet engages in. Usually said by the losing bidder in an exclusive rights auction.
◗ EXCLUSIVE STORY: High-cost version of chequebook journalism.
◗ GRATITUDE: Thank you for hanging in there and supporting me, Australia, you made me feel so much better. I just want to come out of hiding and hug you all and explain the lot. NOT!
◗ SCHAPENFREUDE: Delight when you realise the bogans are beyond your social media radar range.
And in a different version of keeping it all in the family:
◗ COURT: A tennis device used in the hope of ensuring an uneven playing field for gays, lesbians, transgender people. Also works as a device for preventing flight. Qantas and Virgin are pro-gay but Target has bicycles and inflatable dinghies on special this week – better stock up before they have their camp sale.
◗ NET RESULT: As Margaret Court observed, the tennis world is full of lesbians. It’s also full of courts. But only one pro seems to have managed to get her tennis shoe further into her mouth than Margaret. Sam Stosur wanted a boycott of the Margaret Court Arena. She eventually realised the arena was not the problem. And Martina Navratilova nearly took the prize with her call for Margaret Court Arena to be renamed.
She eventually realised the arena was not the problem.