Straightforward’s easy, let’s try gay forward
IAM SICK of seeing people struggle with problems too big for them, so here are simple solutions to world problems. This week, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said the plebiscite policy was “straightforward” and blamed Labor for the ongoing ban on same-sex marriage.
Well said, it is straightforward. And that’s the problem. You see, most of straight and gay Australia wants to see gayforward too. Let’s have Parliament try gayforward. Just vote it back in as an option before we vote you back out. If we vote you out, you’ll find out whether Labor is delaying it.
John Howard managed to organise a vote in Parliament to get gayforward blocked by convincing Libs, Labs and others to vote for one man and one woman in holy matrimony and no gays in marriage. So surely you can organise a similar vote (or just stop blocking one) to allow us to pick our own partner in long-term relating. Some us will no doubt pick one man, one woman. We won’t all go crazy with our new-found power, you know.
Repeat after me: A plebiscite is straightforward and Australia is going gayforward as well.
Virtual success is as real as it gets
RECENTLY CEOs had a virtual sleepout where they experienced virtual homelessness. They spend most of their lives in virtual reality, so it seemed a good idea. And some CEOs truly believed they had experienced homelessness.
But what if we turn the tables on the problem? Give the virtual reality headsets to homeless people so they think they have homes. Bingo. No CEO has to brave the cold one night a year or feel left out. Virtual soup kitchens will provide virtual food. Virtual mobile bathrooms and laundries will stop them being dirty, unhealthy and stop them smelling up the corridors of power. Virtual success all round. It takes real intelligence to come up with ideas as good as that. No artificial intelligence here, folks.
And when that’s working well, we can adjust the software and give headsets to first home buyers who can’t afford a home – instant virtual owners. We’re on a roll.
North Korean nukes get a makeover
NOW, let’s tackle a really hard problem. How about, hmm, North Korea and the growing possibility a nuclear missile will lob on a crucial American base such as Pine Gap near Alice Springs or North West Cape near Ningaloo Reef, Western Australia.
It turns out Kim Jong-un is not happy with some aspects of his looks. In particular he’s not happy with his left ear and gets it photoshopped before pics are released. How about some Aussie surgeons give the poor lad a tidy up.
We’ll even fly in a field hospital because Kim needs it done near home. He’s paranoid about leaving his country lest a coup roll him. He knows all about coups, killing off rivals etc, so he’s not being paranoid. Well, not on that issue. And we’ll send a few psychologists and maybe a health expert to get him back on his feet and sane again. Belle Gibson, your country needs you.
In return for our largesse, perhaps Kim could give up his missiles and bombs. And we can introduce him to some movie stars – he’s a fan of the medium. Maybe send one of the stars of the movie Cane Toads: An Unnatural History. Not a good idea to send any humans in case they get the Otto Warmbier treatment. Maybe we could send all the Cane Toads.
Now that I’ve fixed all that, I’m hungry. Got any suggestions?