How to survive buying and building flatpack furniture

I’VE always believed that shopping for furniture is an activity best done alone.

That said, if you’ve been foolish enough to take a partner along, here’s how to cope with not only the in-store experience, but the drama of furniture assembly once you get home.

Argue at home, avoid it in store

Nobody dreams of being ‘that couple’ in Ikea. It’s an epidemic we always think will happen to someone else. But without warning we can suddenly find ourselves knee-deep in Billy Bookcases arguing over the benefits vs flaws of the Grundle bedside table; measuring tape around our neck with a tiny wooden pencil in tow.

Stick to your plan, avoid temptation

Going into Ikea without a game plan is like going grocery shopping when you haven’t had breakfast. You’ll naturally want to consume everything.

Avoid overdrawing your credit card at the register by sticking to your game plan. Go in to get what you intended to buy, and do your best to avoid picking up ‘a few extra things’ here and here.

Please understand your car’s limitations

What one must realise is that one’s car (even with the seats folded down) is not the handbag from Mary Poppins or the cupboard that leads into Narnia. It’s a relatively small space – and you need to understand just how many boxes you’ll realistically be able to fit into it.

Why not avoid all of the hassle and get the store to deliver the furniture for you?

Sure, there’s a fee. But there’s also cost involved in divorcing in the middle of the carpark and fleeing the state to start a new life.

Once home, someone needs to be team leader

Just like on The New Celebrity Apprentice, someone needs to be appointed team leader when it comes to assembling the flatpack furniture.

Much like on the show, you might find yourself daunted by taking the reins, but someone has to. Your head might roll, but fortune favours the brave and only one person can be in charge here.

The other party must take on the helper role; following instructions supplied to them by the team leader. If both of you try to take charge, it’s a well-known recipe for disaster and argument.

The team leader should read and digest the assembly instructions, and then map out a well-communicated plan on how the task will go down.

The helper is reminded to keep all urges to dominate proceedings under wraps.