Zombies have arrived, but not the virgins

IN CASE you missed it, last Sunday was Zombie Day. You know, people dress up as the undead and wander around looking like it’s a bad Halloween. I try to dodge it, but when you mix with politicians it’s impossible. Every day is zombie day for many of them. But some have found niches, places they feel at home and where they are welcomed.

One was in his element over the past few weeks, trying to raise the dead, inject life into those gone too far and at the same time drain the lifeblood out of the economy.

Yes. You guessed it. The prime minister who will not die. And as usual there was a competition going on but we’ll leave the undead former prime minister out of it for the moment and focus on the man running the gas industry.

Unmalcolm, undead, unoriginal and uninspiring. But full of ideas about how to revive the unrevivable. Dig it up, he tells his minions. It will come to some sort of life.

But the Premier’s Zombie Stopping Group says “No”, loud and clear. Louder than any plebiscite can. Unmalcolm knows no plebiscite on that issue would work. Lock the Gate proved that with its door to door survey when more than 80% voted against coal seam gas, and on many roads it was well over 90%.

And gas prices are rising because we’re exporting the cheap stuff to make massive profits for private companies. But the world may be saved by some voodoo, it turns out.

Our other undead, never say die energy specialist has addressed a select group in Britain (who paid the airfare, Tony?) to great acclaim on the subject of energy, global warming and science.

It seems we can safely burn all the coal we have (plenty) because a prominent climate specialist has found that the whole idea of human-created climate change is a hoax.

And besides, it would warm up those people who would otherwise die of cold and at the same time green up the planet. Not that human-created climate change is happening, but if it ever did happen...

Professor Tony Abbott from the Climate Truthers Institute confirms that the science around climate change is “absolute crap”. He also said climate change is probably doing “more good than harm” and policies to curb it are like “primitive people once killing goats to appease volcano gods”.

So I’m off to find a suitable angry mountain on the Pacific Rim. If I have to appease volcano gods, I’ll start locally.

Finding sacrificial goats is no problem, the world has plenty of goats. And you can do wonderful things with them. Although I haven’t seen them used in pleasing said gods, I can confirm they make mighty fine meals.

As I pack my ritual robes and update my incantations, I’m googling to find out what the protocol is on using sacrificial virgins these days.

But my regular witchcraft stockist seems to be right out of virgins – none showed up in that search. What’s the world coming to?

Policies to curb climate change are like primitive people once killing goats to appease volcano gods.