THE BLUFF GUIDE

OUT OF YOUR DEPTH? LET THESE EXPERTS TEACH YOU HOW TO PULL A SWIFTIE SO YOU CAN FUDGE YOUR WAY THROUGH

We all get caught in unfamiliar territory from time to time – it’s how we deal with each situation that defines us. We all know about fight or flight, but there’s actually a third option: bluff. Bluffing is a completely legitimate way to survive and thrive. We’ve enlisted the experts for this handy guide to the ancient art of pulling a swiftie.

COOKING

In an attempt to impress someone, you’ve invited them over for a home-cooked meal. The only problem is the kitchen is foreign territory. It’s a scary place with things that can burn you and cut you – a war zone really.

But there’s no getting out of it now, so heed Better Homes and Gardens chef Ed Halmagyi’s advice and there’s a chance it won’t be a full-scale disaster.

“When you’re eating at home the wine list is the place to start, because you’re going to grab a drink first,” he says.

“If you really want to bluff, choose a varietal that is uncommon, because even if you hate every sip you can say, ‘Yes this is an excellent demonstration of broad flavours and full-bodied tannins. It’s so nice to explore the world of wine’.”

Fast Ed (main image) says it’s also OK to pull a swiftie on your company by using pre-made components or making dishes that seem a lot more complex than they really are. We’re guessing that’s how he earned the nickname.

“For example, if you go to the international section of your supermarket you’ll find the layers of a Russian honey cake,” he says.

“Take it home, swirl a honey and whiskey concoction over it, a bit of mascarpone and sprinkle some berries and it’s beautiful.

“Same with the meal. Everybody likes king prawns. Buy some fresh king prawns, get the best pasta sauce you can find from a deli, peel the prawns, add some parsley, basil, capers, wrap it up in baking paper and stick it in the oven. Grill some rye bread and serve.

“It looks like a really complex dish but in reality all you’ve done is peel prawns – but don’t forget to de-vein!”

The real bluff comes in the delivery. Ed says it’s important to captivate your audience – er, guest.

“Make sure you know how to say the dish in another language,” he says.

“Go to Google translate – it’s not prawns on rye it’s gamberi su pane di segale. And the narrative around the food is as important as the food itself. Make up a story about your connection with that dish, or when you buy the wine ask two interesting facts about it.

“Did you know people often think pinot gris and pinot grigio are the same wine? It’s not, they’re just from the same grape. You can distract them with your words.”

DIY

Considering one of the prerequisites of being a contestant on Channel 7’s House Rules is an amateur status, bluffing about hardware knowledge and construction terms was a way of life for last year’s victor Daniella Winters (pictured inset with husband Aaron).

“I bluffed my whole way through, I am the bluff queen,” Daniella says.

“In one of the interviews the producers said, ‘OK, so what do you know about design and colour?’

“I said ‘I can sew sequins on a costume. Does that kinda help?’ They all just looked at me.”

If you’ve ever overstated your ability as a handy man or woman and need to pass yourself off as a regular Bob the Builder, Daniella says it’s OK to make mistakes – as long as you’ve got an Aaron to fix them.

“A lot of time I’d have tradies say, you know, ‘This measurement is 330ml off the

“SO I’D SAY A GOOD WAY TO BLUFF IS JUST SAY ‘YES’ TO EVERYTHING AND FIX IT LATER.

OR GET AARON TO FIX IT.” .......................

vanity’ and I’d go ‘Yes definitely, hmm, sounds great’.

“Then I’d go tell Aaron and he’d say ‘That’s so wrong’ and go fix it.

“So I’d say a good way to bluff is just say ‘Yes’ to everything and fix it later. Or get Aaron to fix it.”

Knowing the lingo is also crucial to keep up DIY master appearances, and whether it’s a matter of throwing it out there and hoping it’s correct or channelling your inner parrot, confidence is key.

“I used to bluff through measurements, I think if you just use the construction terms you sound like you know what you’re doing,” Daniella says.

“So you’ve got metres, lineal metres, centimetres, millimetres and so on. So I would just be like ‘Oh that’s 26 lineal metres,’ and everyone’s looking at me like ‘No, that’s 26cm’.

“The other thing is listen to tradies – echo what they say and use it again later. Or write it on your hand and go back when the tradie is gone and then everyone will think it was you. I stalk them and listen to everything they say.”

Having someone to blame is always good too.

“I’ll say ‘Oh, Aaron said with the concrete pour it needs to be 3m out,’ and they’ll say ‘No, no, it needs to be 2m in’, and I say ‘OK let’s go with what you think ... bloody Aaron’.

“Or painting wrong colours or using exterior paint inside. I just blame Aaron – ‘Aaron gave me the wrong paint’.

“Aaron likes to use his hands a lot, constantly pointing or directing, everyone’s like ‘calm down’.”

Considering the couple are set to complete their first flip with their new company Hype Building and Design this month, it’s safe to say their bluffing has worked a treat.