HAVE A LAUGH

Jamaica?

I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean. “Jamaica?” he asked. “No,” I replied, “she went of her own accord.”

Marriage

Marriage is like a rail road sign…

First you stop, then you look, and then you listen.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came.

The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Fire trucks

When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.

Randall, an older man, stood up. “Ah think we should keep the old truck,” he said. “We can use it for all them false alarms!”

Birthday

A bloke enters a fish and chip shop carrying a goldfish bowl. He asks the assistant, “Do you make fishcakes?”

The assistant replies, “Yes, of course we do.”

The guy then asks, “Can you make one for my goldfish? It’s his birthday next week.”

Computer issues

Techniques to try when your computer doesn’t work:

1) “Audio repair technique” shout at it.

2) “Vibrations adjustment” shake it.

3) “Percussive therapy” - hit it.

4) “Hot swap repair” switch it for someone else’s, when no one is looking.

5) “Optical stimulation” stare at it real hard hoping it magically works.

6) “Gravimetric adjustment” - drop it out a window.