HATS OFF TO YOU
THIS IS NO HAT TRICK — INFORMER IS SEEKING A BAN ON BASEBALL CAPS AND ALL THEIR ASSOCIATED EVILS
Informer loves America. God bless it, as the locals say, for it has given the world so much. In fact, far too much to itemise in this starless, stripeless rectangle.
Sure, the US has its problems — guns, religion, the electoral system, horrifying beer, Jersey Boys, the misconception that power equals brains — but hey, all good otherwise and Trump’s a hoot.
Yet for all that America has bestowed upon the world, by far the worst is … wait for it … the baseball cap. That’s why today, in arguably Informer’s most important example of cutting-edge rectangular journalism, I’m seeking a ban on baseball caps unless you are (a) actually playing baseball or (b) equally actually American.
Please don’t take this for a set against hats in general. Far from it. We all know how important it is to keep the sun off our heads and there are times when a hat is indeed a stylish fashion addition. The baseball cap, however, has no redeeming features.
Wear it correctly and you simply run with the crowd. Wear it backwards and you declare yourself a moron.
Wear it on the side, as some inexplicably do, and I believe there is a special place in Hat Hell for you and your dismal ilk.
Rappers wear baseball caps. Country music stars too. Could there be two more damning examples of crimes against music, taste and millinery? When young people wear baseball caps, their IQ plunges several points, a reduction few can afford. When those nearer to Informer’s vintage wear baseball caps, it is a desperate attempt to emulate a lost and, as I’ve now pointed out, intellectually compromised youth. Keep it up and soon you won’t be able to spell IQ.
Wearing a baseball cap in the car is silly. In a restaurant it’s rude. At night it’s ridiculous. And yet people do all of these things, acts symptomatic of a disturbing tendency to disrespect our heads. Other examples include facial tattoos, those stupid eyebrows the ladies are going in for these days, and every second haircut in the AFL and NRL.
Much of this ill-advised activity is ingrained early, particularly among parents who drape those vile lacy headbands around the noggins of their newborns. Talk about headaches waiting to happen. Every time I see one I think of a turtle with its head caught in a discarded plastic six-pack ring. Babies’ heads are soft, malleable, growing. You don’t bind their feet; why bind their heads?
But alas, once the tonsorial rot sets in it is set in for good and the apotheosis — capotheosis, perhaps? — is the baseball cap.
And now for some hat jokes. Which hat won Wimbledon? Roger Fedora. Which hat has six balls? A bowler. Which hat won Eurovision? Bucks Fez. Which hat goes well with tomato sauce? Pork pie.
Which hat is blind and plays R’n’B? Beret Charles. Which hats are good on toast? Baked beanies. Which hat says ‘to be or not to be’? Shakespeare’s Helmet.
Not bad, eh? Hats off to me. But baseball caps are not funny in the slightest. They are a scourge I urge you to purge.
Put aside your general “she’ll be right” complacency — trilby right? — and dip your lid to Informer’s new crusade:
If the cap fits, don’t wear it.
“COULD THERE BE TWO MORE DAMNING EXAMPLES OF CRIMES AGAINST MUSIC, TASTE AND MILLINERY?”