HAVE A LAUGH

FLYING HIGH

A FOUR-SEATER Cessna was flying over the Australian outback.

In it were the pilot, a priest, Australia’s greatest athlete and Bill Gates.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The pilot called back to his passengers, “We’ve got a hard decision ahead of us, folks. We’re going to crash, but there are only three parachutes on board.”

Australia’s greatest athlete immediately grabbed one of the parachutes and said, “Australia is gaining prominence in its performance in international sports, and it’s all because of me! Australia needs me!”

And he leapt out of the Cessna with his parachute.

Then Bill Gates said, “I am the world’s smartest man! Without me, the whole computer industry would grind to a halt. The world needs smart men like me!”

And with that, he took off with the second parachute.

The priest looked at the pilot and said, “Young man, you have a wife and two children waiting for you at home. I have lived a long and happy life, and I am ready to meet my Maker. You take the last parachute.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” replied the pilot, “the world’s smartest man just jumped out with my backpack...”

TIMES ARE CHANGING

MY, how times have changed!

Twenty years ago: A program was a television show; an application was for employment; Windows were something you hated to clean; a keyboard was a piano; memory was something you lost with age; a hard drive was a long trip on the road; log on was adding wood to a fire; and a mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

GOOD GUESSER

OUR Lamaze class included a tour of the paediatric wing of the hospital.

When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.

“This must not be your first,” I said.

“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”

“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.

He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”

FAIR WARNING

A WEST Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, “Don’t you give out warnings?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 55.’”