HOW TO STAGE A SHELFIE

UPSTAGE OTHER NARCISSISTS WITH SMART BACKDROPS SO YOU CAN SHOW YOUR BEST FACE – AND A GOOD BEHIND

Folks, in this modern age people can learn a lot about you from the photos you post online.

Chiefly, what they’re learning is just how much of a narcissist you are.

But it’s the little background details that give away much more information than we might expect. Interesting or embarrassing details that you might not want billions of people to know about you, for the rest of your life and beyond.

Sadly, we don’t notice our mistakes until hundreds of messages pop up in our feeds:

“Is that Aunt Mary’s tea set on your table? It was promised to me!”

“To get that stain off your lounge try the following…”

“Is your grandmother’s funeral being held at the cricket again?”

Well, I’ve thought of an invention that will solve this problem...

Let me start by painting a picture for you. As something of a writer I’m not keen to have a photograph taken of myself standing in front of our bookcase. My image as a scribbler would be slightly tarnished if people saw the shelves behind me were stuffed full of self-help books, paperback westerns and comics.

So, my solution is similar to one professional photographers have been using for years. A series of pull down, personalised background pictures with scenes on them that convey to the drooling online masses the precise images you want to share.

Along with the obligatory nature shots, my background piccies will include a rare photo of our spotlessly clean lounge room (the one time it hadn’t been destroyed by our granddaughter), my neighbour’s motorcycle parked on our driveway, a friend’s bookcase filled with serious-looking volumes and a few superimposed photos of famous people peering through our windows.

Maybe it will take off because, let’s face it, our online lives are a bit of a facade anyway.