DRIVEN TO MADNESS

LAIDBACK TURTLE TRAVELLERS ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF OTHER MOTORISTS BUT ALSO GENERATE ENVY

Folks, as a chronic people pleaser, I’ve always longed to be one of those carefree characters who don’t give two hoots about anyone’s opinion or feel any pressure to conform, aka: Trump-esque.

The thing is, I seem to stumble across these individuals on a daily basis when I’m driving.

You see, whenever I venture out of my driveway, I immediately get stuck behind some laidback turtle travelling at 20km/h below the posted speed limit.

Experience has taught me they know how to go much faster because that’s exactly what they do on the rare occasions an opportunity to overtake them pops up.

Surely, they must wonder why they are constantly being tailed by 30 or more angry motorists everywhere they go? They either don’t know, or don’t care, about the impact they’re having on their fellow drivers. Possibly a little of both I’d say.

To add to everyone’s joy, occasionally they’ll stomp on their brake pedal just to see if we’re all still awake.

Look, that’s bad enough, but while I’m stuck behind Mr Magoo and Co, I’m usually being tailgated by some wild-eyed maniac who is covering the inside of their windscreen with spittle because they can’t travel at warp speed.

In spite of clearly being able to see the 20 or so bailed up cars in front of mine, they abuse me for the delay. Which is why, on more than one occasion, I’ve pulled over to let the whole circus trundle on to wherever it is they are sluggishly going to.

Now, it might appear I’m having a bit of a moan, but I’m not. I’m actually envious of those coasting slowcoaches. I earnestly wish I could be more like them, blissfully oblivious to everyone else around me.

Still, undoing years of being a driving doormat will take time, so like my unhurried heroes, I’ll built up to it slowly.

I’ll start by leisurely pushing a shopping trolley through the crowded aisles of my supermarket. Once I can maintain a zen-like state while angry mobs toss tinned goods at me, I’ll be ready for the road.