Helping children deal with loss
IT’S meant to be a festive time of the year, so I apologise for writing about a topic that is far from joyous. I recently lost a very close family member and my thoughts turned to how we deal with grief and how as parents we help our children through the process.
The loss of a loved one is never easy, at any age. My grief comes and goes in waves and it will take many years for me to adjust to life without my mum.
My teenage children seem, so far, to have coped well, but they did exhibit the natural tendency of children to worry another loved one will suffer the same fate.
Following the loss of their grandmother, they questioned my health, showing concern about losing me. I reassured them it’s alright to have those feelings but explained we shouldn’t fear the emotion of unhappiness that comes with the inevitability of death.
Depending on their age and experience, children’s response to death may alternate between sadness, happiness, anger and frustration. They may display behaviours such as aggression, clinginess, excessive tears, refusal to eat, and sleep disturbances – affecting their ability to function as normal. For the most part, these changes are temporary.
This can be similar for adults, but children seem to ask a lot of questions as they try to process the event.
It’s difficult to know what to say when someone special dies, especially when you are dealing with your own grief.
The best way to teach children how to cope with great loss is to implement adaptive strategies in your own life. This is how I dealt with the situation with my children, making sure they knew it was okay to feel sad and overwhelmed, but to find positive outlets for those feelings.
My eldest’s approach was to create a memory board of photos and thoughts – her memories of her time with her Gma.
My youngest just wanted to talk to make sense of his intense emotions.
The finality of death is very difficult to process, particularly for young children.
It’s important to help them build healthy coping skills by modelling the grieving process, explaining the loss, focussing on the facts and giving them a chance to say goodbye.
Of course, a child’s age and personality will determine how much information they can tolerate or process.
The experience of loss affects everyone differently. All I can say is to grieve together, support each other as a family and talk about the memories. As my mum would say, life can be painful but is also full of joy.