Christmas Day has never gone more swimmingly
WELL, that’s another Christmas Day out of the way.
Although, I have to say Christmas Day this year was most enjoyable – apart from the early on bit when I had to work, that is.
But thanks to you all for behaving yourselves, thereby saving me from having to write police stories in the afternoon, we were able to call it a day earlier than normal (I can say that with the boss away on holidays) and head to friends for a late Christmas lunch of oysters, prawns, ham, chicken and beef and accompanying salad.
As usual, we ate too much which made the rest of the afternoon a slugfest, but this year we could at least relax in a pool.
My mate a few days before Christmas had bought herself an aboveground kiddy pool which I, stupidly, volunteered to help erect.
Now, I’m the first to admit I’m no handyman and being your typical male, I don’t even know what instructions are let alone how to read them.
And so we spread the lining out and started to inflate the top rim with a battery powered pump that went flat after about 15 seconds each time.
Naturally, I couldn’t wait to fill the pool and so applied the hose – only I was too early and before long it was too late to turn back… the water making the pool too heavy to move.
It was only then, with the pool half full, that I realised I’d positioned the pool on uneven ground, which had the effect of turning what was supposed to be a round pool with evenly dispersed water into a pool with a deep end and a shallow end.
I was berated for putting the water into the pool before it was properly erected.
Although I thought her accusation
‘‘ A FULL STOMACH ONLY REMAINS FULL FOR SO LONG AND SOON THE FOOD STARTED TO SHIFT AROUND IN THERE.
that I suffered from “premature erection” more than a little harsh.
Then, because the pool was on uneven ground, the force of the water in the pool seemed to push the whole thing out of shape and before long the sides resembled my beer belly – the comparison not lost on my young friend either.
However, the now oval-shaped round pool could hold enough water that one could comfortably splash.
I say one, because when three of us dived in it was more than a little squeezy, but having just gorged ourselves on Christmas lunch it’s probably best that we didn’t have enough room to swim anyway. That’s not to say the long, large lunch didn’t take effect despite the pool only being waste deep when seated.
Without wishing to put too fine a point on it, a full stomach only remains full for so long and soon the food started to shift around in there.
“Hey!” she who owns the pool yelled, “this is not a spa bath!”
“I was just asking for a water bottle, Abdul,” I offered, in a fruitless attempt to cover up my indiscretion.
I was also accused over the pool, after a couple of days, forming a greasy bottom.
Now we all know there’s nothing worse than a greasy bottom but of this I was innocent. It’s just what happens with kiddy pools.
Then I was next berated for the positioning of the pool in the first place.
I figured putting the pool under a tree – out of the sun – would be the sunsmart thing to do, but naturally I’d stuffed up there too for the pool was now filling with leaves from said tree.
And more than a few of the twigs and leaves that were falling into the pool were accompanied by all manner of insects and small animals.
It’s a rather disconcerting moment when a spider falls from a tree above and lands on your shoulder.
And, as I discovered, spiders don’t much like water.
Well, not murky water in a greasy bottomed kiddy pool anyway, leaving the spider to scurry across one’s back.
To make matters even worse, she who owns the pool had just the day before spotted a snake hanging around the home’s wheelie bins not far from the newly installed pool.
That’s all I’d need — a snake slithering into the pool attempting to get out of the heat. Now that would really make for a greasy bottomed pool and I’d be to blame.
See you all next year!